HYRULE — Feeling completely shaken after pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal, unlocking the path to the Sacred Realm and traveling seven years into the…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Recent sexual partner Nathan Stenhouse has released an apology for his unacceptably short load time during last night’s love making session with…
CHICAGO — A panel of experts practicing social distancing across the country are reeling today, following the discovery that it is somehow already 4:05 p.m.…
BOSTON — Researchers at Berklee College of Music confirmed today that the opening riff of local punk band Milkmouth’s song “Squirrel Scream” should really have…
MEDFORD, N.Y. — Mathcore band A Murder Among Friends observed the biannual Daylight Saving Time rule today by reluctantly setting the time signatures back on…
BALTIMORE — Local punks are reportedly confused and intrigued by a cryptic show flyer circulating that features an image of Ronald Reagan having sex with…
SAN DIEGO — Daisey McKinley’s period asked her eyes and heart again this morning if they know when her white pants will be going on,…
AUSTIN, Texas — Researchers at the University of Texas released a study today proving that indie-rock band Gypsy Casino’s attempt to create a “quality, experimental…
ATLANTA — Matt Goldberg, 27, has used Twitter, Steam reviews, and several other online platforms to advocate for a new feature in PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds: a…
RICHWOOD, W. Va. — Local punk Jesse Hallenbeck asked her family today what time Christmas dinner is supposed to go on at her grandma’s house…
NEW YORK — Time magazine announced the winner of its 2017 Person of the Year award today: Carlos Villalba, a 27-year-old “Rocket League” player who…
These days it seems like we’re all starting to feel a little creaky in the knees. Remember when the kid from the Nevermind cover bought…
OMAHA, Neb. — Local copy editor and Beagles guitarist Maddy Nelson is reportedly growing increasingly anxious by the delayed arrival of her period, which she…
CHICAGO — Swamp Smut drummer Logan Stone discovered a text message following his set on Thursday night, reading, “What time r u playing?”, sent from…