MASPETH, N.Y. — Skull Valley frontman Jeremy Cesiro is worried his underage girlfriend would be put in danger by her returning to high school in…
OSPREY, Fla. — The Sarasota Friends School was pleased to announce this week that in addition to maintaining its status as one of the county’s…
AMHERST, Mass. — Smorth College announced today that instead of face-to-face instruction, it will release its fall semester classes on vinyl, citing pandemic concerns. “This…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in 10th grade, is now employed…
BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Local father Lucas Carroll is doing his best to homeschool his children during coronavirus stay-at-home orders, even though his area of…
SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS — Professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft admit they’re struggling with teaching students remotely via Zoom several months into a devastating outbreak of…
NEW YORK — Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation, amused…
KYOTO, Japan — A troubling new study from the University of Hidari Wakibara has found that it takes a typical anime student at least nine…
DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are no longer learning firsthand about…
GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass. — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan stood up to speak last night at an assembly about the current state of the education…
COLTS NECK, N.J. — Local eighth grader Steve McKenzie was confused and disillusioned last week when his first kiss at last night’s school dance did…
AKRON, Ohio — Local fourth-grader Vincent “Vinny” Ortiz-Galt felt “I don’t know, just bad, I guess” about wearing a homemade bulletproof vest to school that…
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Edison High School was set ablaze with speculation last week that it’s gym teacher, Douglas Vesely, might actually be legendary hardcore frontman…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Brown University freshman Matthew Davis made history earlier this week by becoming the first member of his family to ever drop out…
LOS ANGELES — Industrial rock musician Marilyn Manson is growing increasingly frustrated and distraught over high-profile mass shootings in the U.S. and his apparent lack…