Patrick Coyne
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COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record yesterday after consuming 76 weiners…
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PITTSFORD, Vt. — 28-year-old Alex Solorzano is now in his seventh week of blaming social distancing for his sexual inactivity,…
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Patrick Crooks
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SAN DIEGO — Thanks to the slowdown in day-to-day police activity, local officer Scott Martinson is now committing abuses of…
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Sari Beliak
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GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last…
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John Danek
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WILLIMANTIC, Conn. — Emo revival favorites The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die…
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Jimmy Adamson
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AVENTURA, Fla. — Local man Benjamin Eads tearfully crossed off “call Grandma” from his to-do list today after the COVID-19…
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NEW YORK — Stock photo websites jacked up their prices today for pictures of financial workers on Wall Street looking…
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Patrick Coyne
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TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name…
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Johnny Mo
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PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Recording artist Mitski announced today that her merchandise will now be available for sale at mental health…
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Jeremy Kaplowitz
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URBANA, Ill. — The album “The Fire Between Us Is Quelled And It Is What It Is” by emo band…
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