NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A local scene’s highly anticipated return of DIY shows was once again delayed by multiple hours due to the same bullshit…
MONTREAL — An alarming new study revealed that body dysmorphia diagnoses skyrocketed just hours after clothing manufacturer Gildan released a highly maligned intimate apparel collection.…
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Staff and audience members at the newly reopened Cherry Pit reported a puzzling stench that may be as serious a health risk…
WASHINGTON — President Biden signed a sweeping new bill into law earlier today which will finally address the issue of student loan debt relief by…
PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sam Allister’s life built entirely on doing things out of spite for the extreme bitterness of this fucked world is actually…
HONOLULU — Local punk Joseph Green is looking forward to finally hanging out with friends in the alley during shows again now that the city…
ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced earlier this week that fully vaccinated people may safely end the lame-ass relationships they were…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Punk legend and resurrected Brood X cicada Titus Umbilicus emerged from the earth this week extremely late and hungover despite the fact…
ROCKFORD, Ill. — Retail clerk Emma Stephenson finally began to feel a sense of normalcy as an unreasonably irate customer screamed directly in her face…
CARVER, Mass. — Local metalhead Tyler Kearns admitted that the replica Viking sword he brought on his camping trip might look badass, but is terrible…
CHERRY HILL, N.J. — Local woman Stacy Tran was reportedly shocked by a recent revelation that she shares a more intimate bond with her shower…
NEW HOPE, Pa. — Local straight man Scott Stevenson was spotted acting weirdly jealous around lesbian woman and acquaintance at best, Samantha Rux, at a…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Progressive metal band Knight Vision announced they are accepting applications from medieval studies majors for a summer internship offering practical application of…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local punk and Carhartt jacket-wearing dilettante Anthony Lynch avoided eye contact with fellow diners at a restaurant last night after a waiter…
BALTIMORE — Local punk and wannabe anarchist Kevin Tomlin was upset to discover being an anarchist would require community involvement and not just make him…