Courtney Baka
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ANSBACH, GERMANY — Indianapolis-born stoner Pvt. Jason Jordan is “lighting up a nice fatty” at 16:20 every day as he…
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Elizabeth Teets
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BOISE, Idaho — The freshly cleaned bedroom of local woman Megan O’Leary is “anxiously excited” to meet O’Leary’s potential sexual…
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Aries (March 21-April 19) Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the…
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Lucas Passarella
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WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Busy Bean Café barista Zeynab Polykarpos is reportedly unaware that pop-punk frontman and frequent customer Johnny…
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Patrick Coyne
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Punk’s not dead, right? Spoiler alert, dipshit! According to this fan theory, punk has been dead for decades. Not only…
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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Rockville mayor “Rowdy” Randy Holmes was removed from his elected position this morning after being deemed unfit…
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Michael Edwards
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STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Measureworks IT technician Jeff Simmins left dozens of bar patrons perplexed last night after singing “Svefn-g-englar”…
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Louie Aronowitz
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BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Tom Reynolds is still unsure which Green Day albums he’s allowed to enjoy publicly while…
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Joe Rumrill
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NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Members of the street team for City Councilwoman Lynn Fernandez stapled a flyer yesterday with the…
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Claire Brown
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INDIO, Calif. — Coachella goer and indie rock fan Joseph Murs was disappointed to learn yesterday that Canadian musician Mac…
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