LOS ANGELES — ’90s electronica artist Moby dismissed today the negative statements you allegedly made about him on a friends’ Instagram post, with the musician…
ENDICOTT, N.Y. — A small punk community in central New York officially ran out of new scene members to fuck late yesterday evening, sources who…
MADRID — Valeria Lopez, the oldest millennial in the world, died late last night at the age of 39 following complications from a recent surgery,…
ATLANTA — And Weeping Solemnly, The Cherubs Affixed Their Gaze merch guy Luis Flores admitted today he hopes to join the band onstage soon, as…
DUBLIN, Calif. — A single pillar located inside the Voodoo Lounge allegedly has a physics-defying ability to block patrons’ view no matter where they stood,…
BRANSON, Mo. — Local woman Kimberly Feldman, currently chained to a pipe in the basement of a wanted kidnapper/murderer, acquired just enough WiFi reception this…
SEATTLE — Local singer/songwriter Brant Miller released a conceptual folk-pop epic today that’s clearly about getting back with his ex-girlfriend, confirmed sources who just listened…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Rot Snockets tour manager Benjamin Underhall was fired today following his indictment on charges he withheld significant amounts of the bands’ drink…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Tour manager and merch guy Danny MacDonough was confused last night when a fan attempted to steal a sticker that was…
DERBY, Vt. — The John Adams High School student council have launched a successful post-prom event, considered less aggressive and generally more experimental than the…
MONTREAL — Manufacturers of online AI-driven mastering software LANDR announced a new feature today that politely declines a band’s inevitable invitation to the release party…
NEW YORK — Spotify project manager Diego Valenzuela received an unprecedented raise of $0.00437 today for single-handedly rebuilding the streaming platform’s advertisement system from the…
RICHMOND, Va. — Researchers and social archaeologists at Virginia Commonwealth University discovered last week that the first-ever house show scheduled still has yet to begin,…
PHILADELPHIA — Local pervert David Bell could not climax this morning during his daily commute after noticing another bus rider openly nursing her infant, multiple…
FUCK FUCK FUCK: Internet Tough Guy Also Actual Tough Guy
DETROIT — Reddit user Gary Johannson accidentally messed yesterday with the one tough guy on the Internet who wasn’t lying, unintentionally putting Johannson in the…