LANSING, Mich. — Local punk Diana Spalsbury purchased 100 boxes of semi-permanent hair dye yesterday, just for the pair of disposable gloves that come inside…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local father Daniel Mercer had no choice but to rewatch the oft-overlooked ’90s sitcom “Becker” yesterday after murdering and consuming his wife…
BURBANK, Calif. — Disney executives have come under fire for shocking statements made last night by animated television star Doc McStuffins during a Fox News…
ALBANY, N.Y. — Roommates Jonah Gray and Nic Shore have become fast friends under New York State’s PAUSE order by simply reinforcing each other’s drinking…
LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Rob Kurtz was reportedly called out at the grocery store yesterday for converting an old Deafheaven shirt into a face…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local stoner Dan “Stems” Thompson overcame the crushing despair of social isolation today by attempting to create a one-person drum circle while…
NEWPORT, Ky. — Notable stoner and “flat earth” conspiracy theorist John Hays has been playing the same Sleep album continuously since last year’s 4/20 celebration,…
MINAS TIRITH — The White Council of the Wise issued a decree today that all fellowships in Middle Earth shall be no larger than five…
WASHINGTON — Calvin, the co-star of the influential newspaper comic strip “Calvin & Hobbes,” was arrested today in conjunction with almost 14 million acts of…
NEW YORK — The startup company Punk Blue Apron is enjoying a surge in popularity, thanks to their monthly subscription boxes containing a bunch of…
LOS ANGELES — Multiple exes of musician Fiona Apple coincidentally texted her at the same time yesterday for no real reason they could think of…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Quarantined father Chris Denny is struggling with his son’s 33-piece jigsaw puzzle after drinking almost an entire 12-pack of beer by himself,…
ATLANTA — Fate Embrace merch guy Edgar Byrd stood aimlessly behind his kitchen table for hours earlier this week in an attempt to work from…
DALLAS — Quarantined man Forest Whitlock was struck with a feeling of great anxiety today upon seeing Rod Serling, host of the 1959 series ‘The…
NORTHPORT, N.Y. — 17-year-old Alex Powell’s LSD stash was flushed down the toilet moments ago and will be replaced with a weekend full of “learning…