Life is meaningless, our world is in flames, and all hope is futile. But just because I’m dead on the inside does not mean I…
Hey there! Why don’t you pony up over here while I order up a round of cold ones and tell you exactly why I don’t…
Being locked down in my apartment for the past few months has given me time to reflect on life and how I spend mine. This…
DALLAS — Patients at Dallas General Hospital learned yesterday that Dr. Graham Alder, one of the facility’s most trusted surgeons, is actually a “total pussy”…
LOS ANGELES — Startling new models released today predict a massive spike in potential lovers subjecting their first dates to unsolicited details of their screenplays…
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Bethesda Softworks announced a new “Pandemic Update” for their hit RPG, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, in which the player character will…
EGG HARBOR, N.J. — Spirit Halloween announced today that they will keep their stores closed until October, when they will reopen for a month before…
Sup’ corona-crotches! So you’re stuck in your house and you can’t go anywhere. You’ve been cooped up so long now your hair has gone from…
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are confirming that, following several states’ pushes to reopen, the coronavirus has experienced a…
Opinion: The Virus Doesn’t Care What Race You Are, but the Government Does so Some of You Are Fucked
Opinion: The Virus Doesn’t Care What Race You Are, but the Government Does so Some of You Are Fucked
All people must unify now! Dammit, this virus doesn’t care what your race is! It will harm you and your loved ones indiscriminately. The United…
ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Dead Houseplants will play Locust Street’s Fubar in exchange for free exposure to COVID-19 yesterday after Missouri leadership gave…
Opinion: Stop Calling Me a Hypochondriac, You Have No Idea What It’s Like to Live With Every Illness
Opinion: Stop Calling Me a Hypochondriac, You Have No Idea What It’s Like to Live With Every Illness
I’m so sick of everyone calling me a hypochondriac. It puts excess strain on my life and makes me doubt myself, which is not something…
Given that we’ve been in some sort of recession or another ever since I’ve been old enough to know the word “republican,” it’s time we…
RESTON, Va. — With America approaching a third month of quarantine due to COVID-19, gamer James Batson is reportedly battling a rare challenge: he is…
It’s nearly impossible to describe the feeling I got from depositing my long-awaited stimulus check. Not sure what word to call it but it definitely…