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Ailing Ted Nugent Summons Kid Rock to His Chambers

DETROIT — Ted Nugent, bed-ridden from his recent COVID-19 diagnosis, called upon fellow Michigan far-right musician Kid Rock to discuss the apparent plan of succession to the ailing Motor City Madman, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I’ve summoned Kid Rock to my royal chambers, as merely a means of protocol,” said a maskless Nugent while struggling to breathe. “Concerns about my health have been overstated. Brother, the doctors can tell me I have the Coronavirus all they want, but I don’t buy it. What’s next, they’re going to tell me I’m too sick to wail on my guitar? Fuck no. But out of an abundance of caution, I want to ensure that there’s a smooth transition when the time comes to ascend to the highest throne of rock. Whether it is threatening elected officials, taking a near-sexual pleasure from killing animals, or engaging in inappropriate relationships with adolescent girls, Kid must be ready to lead by these principles.”

Keepers in charge of caring for Nugent expressed concern about the rocker’s plans for succession following a positive COVID-19 test.

“Concern has been raised among various parties regarding the purity of blood of the Lord Nugent’s bastards,” noted household spokesperson and longtime roadie Dusty “The Stink” Booker. “To avoid any infighting, it has been decreed that the rank and title of being a washed-up, over-opinionated, and generally racist knob should be passed on to a new dynasty. We feel that, being a reactionary douchebag who appeals to the lowest common denominator and stopped being taken seriously as a musician years ago, Kid Rock is the best choice.”

Nugent fans across the world admit they were confused as to how he could be diagnosed with a “fake disease,” but ultimately showed their support for him and Kid Rock.

“I woke up to the news that Ted had the ‘rona and I was like, ‘Uhhh ok Democrats, April Fool’s day was three weeks ago.’ I’m guessing this is nothing more than a case of cat scratch fever baby! Nothing stops The Nuge,” said longtime fan Kev Decesare. “But, if something were to happen, we would need someone to step up that is not only willing to rock hard, but able to rock hard. Kid Rock is that man.”

At press time, Kid Rock was actively trying to scrub all evidence that he grew up as a spoiled rich kid from the internet in preparation for his induction.