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CDC Announces Bass Players Will be Eligible for Vaccine in Late 2036

ATLANTA — Bass players across the country are the only adults over the age of 16 who are not currently eligible for vaccinations, with the CDC expecting to lift that restriction in 15 years, sources confirmed.

“Our current policy on bass player vaccinations is only temporary. We want to make sure that every person in America, as well as globally, has access to this life-saving vaccine before we go wasting doses on bass players,” said CDC spokesperson Armond Deplura. “Our studies show that bass players are already at very low risk of contracting or spreading the disease because they tend to have no friends to socialize with, and typically their own family no longer speaks with them, let alone invites them home for holiday gatherings. We also don’t want to expose our hardworking health care workers to bass players that keep talking about the new song they wrote when we all know that nobody in their band is taking them seriously.”

Bass players across the world took the news surprisingly well.

“Hey, I get it. I obviously want the vaccine, but I know in order for us to defeat this virus we need to work together. And as a bass player, I know a thing or two about subtly doing my part,” said local bassist Donny Clifford. “I don’t want to overstep my bounds here, but it was pretty upsetting when I brought my mother to get vaccinated, and I asked if they had any extra doses and the site worker said ‘Yes, a bunch, but we would rather throw them in the river than give them to some four-string playing nerd boy.’ Just saying ‘No’ would have been sufficient, but who am I to complain?”

Fully vaccinated vocalists, guitarists, and drummers are already planning tours regardless of their bass players’ vaccination status.

“We are going to be returning to a world where we might have limited capacity in venues, so one less mouth to feed is beneficial for any touring act,” said Lizzy Carmine, vocalist of pop-punk band The Suffrajetsons. “Plus, we won’t have to make sure our bass player is brushing his teeth at least twice a day, or stop him from eating ice cream for breakfast. I spent $80 on a programmable keyboard that will do the job just as well, and won’t wander off with some stranger that claimed to have ‘cool video games’ in their van.”

At press time, the CDC bowed to pressure from the Biden administration to limit vaccine eligibility for drummers that also insist on singing.