MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Local law enforcement veteran Sergeant David Maddison drew praise from fellow officers for deftly concealing his identity to evade community criticism and professional consequences while posting a recent Coronavirus vaccine selfie, sources confirmed.
“I tell everyone the pandemic is fake, but getting COVID is honestly the only thing that scares me more than having to answer for my actions in uniform or explaining how my wife is just clumsy and accident-prone,” Maddison stated. “That’s why I ditched my court-ordered racial sensitivity training to commandeer someone else’s vaccine appointment yesterday. And I know better than to create a photographic record of myself on duty, but I got caught up in the moment and did one of those Fauci-ouchie selfies. But after all these years, my hand reflexively goes right over my badge number whenever I see a camera.”
“It’s as natural as clutching my bright yellow taser. Or is that my gun? I can’t always tell them apart,” added a shrugging Maddison.
Those closest to Maddison praised the officer’s efforts, and hope to see more of the same from their peers.
“That kind of gaslighting built law enforcement culture in America, and it’s what we need to maintain the status quo,” opined Captain Russ Humphrey. “And unfortunately, you just can’t teach the kind of instinct displayed by this brave sergeant. We tried to for a while, but those cucks at the ACLU got some Obama judge to make us stop. Beta pricks. Anyway, if evidence of Maddison getting the vaccine circulated, he’d catch all kinds of shit from every cop in town.”
Despite Maddison’s best efforts, devout QAnon adherent Buck Eberhart was not impressed.
“Shit, he’s got them Moderna microchips inside now,” said an incredulous Eberhart. “Bill Gates knows who he is and can tell everyone. I hate this, because David is a good and decent man. All those times he responded to my neighbor’s dog cruelty 911 calls, but he never arrested me once. And we always have fun at Oath Keeper campouts. This sucks!”
At press time, Sergeant Maddison was superimposing the Punisher skull over his head in his vaccine selfie while his son photoshopped him out of every single family photo.