QUEENS, N.Y. — Aging metalhead Greg “Nailgun” Dellarose has replaced the patches on his battle vest with his important, personal health information, including known allergies…
Metalhead Principal Sends Student Home for Wearing Inoffensive Band Shirt
CLEVELAND — Cleveland School of the Arts Principal and metalhead educator Ryan Donnavin sent home 7th grader Alex Ramirez yesterday for wearing a Metallica shirt…
MILWAUKEE — Activist metalhead Ricky Miranda vowed today to fight tirelessly for racial justice, as well as the right to carry gigantic broadswords onto commercial…
Metalhead Homeowner Installs Denim Carpet
SUGAR LAND, Texas — New homeowner and devoted metalhead Eric Bronson replaced the out-of-date shag carpet in his living room yesterday, installing a fresh layer…
Metalhead Asks CDC Hotline What to Cough Into If They’ve “Hypothetically” Cut off Their Sleeves
LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Layne Medema spoke with a representative from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention hotline for well over an hour…
Opinion: A Jury of My Peers Wouldn’t Be Dressed so Nice
Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury would be a selection of…
It’s Not My Job to Explain the Intricacies of Doom Metal but After I Fix Your Muffler I Will
I am not standing here in the garage of a Pep Boys because it’s my job to inform you about why Doom Metal is the…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Metalhead Brad Fetterman spent several hours yesterday sewing the sleeves back on to his finest Dying Fetus T-shirt in preparation for his…
PORTSMOUTH, Va. — 24-year-old metalhead Jim Rainer expertly passed himself off as a middle-aged dock worker yesterday, without any additional effort, for a free ride…
Born-Again Metalhead Only Listens to Old Testament
SAN FRANCISCO — Born-again metalhead Pete Ericson will only listen to Testament albums released before 1992, claiming those records are “the sacred works of metal…
BALTIMORE — Promoters of the Dollops of Doom festival canceled the three-day music event at the last minute after weather reports confirmed sunny skies and…
BOSTON — Local metalhead Timothy Bogart’s planned early arrival at the airport was derailed last week when he could not find a single non-offensive shirt…
ÖRNSKÖLDSVIK, Sweden — Metalhead Scott Armstrong hoarded his savings for nearly two years to take a pilgrimage to the “Mecca of Metal,” Sweden, only to…
Metalhead Upset His Band Didn’t Make the CIA’s Torture Playlist
PHOENIX — Brian Seymour was visibly upset while handing out his band’s CD-R demo near the exit of a local heavy metal club Saturday. According to…