SHAMROCK, Texas — The lack of fair use photos of mutilated babies has left local grindcore band Rectal Distress frustrated and scrambling to find the…
Ambient Musician Not Sure if She Should Play Next Note Yet
TACOMA, Wash. — Local ambient musician Kim Pruden can’t decide if she should play the next note of Erica Shaffer’s minimalist composition “withdrawal and/or (re)mind(er),”…
Eat Metal: 5 Fast Food Combos That Add up to $6.66
If you’re like me, you’re always looking for that perfect pre-show meal. The kind of order that says, “I really hate my body, but I…
BOSTON — Local metalhead Timothy Bogart’s planned early arrival at the airport was derailed last week when he could not find a single non-offensive shirt…
DALLAS — Death metal band Moruthal experienced record-low turnouts for their show last Friday night after accidentally printing the time and location information in the…
Kid in Carcass Shirt a Little Too Good at Frog Dissection
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — West Anchorage High School student Bobby Logan, known locally as “that kid in the Carcass shirt,” stunned his peers in biology class…
Perfect Band Name Ruined By Band’s Music
LOS ANGELES — Concertgoers at the Lovecraft Bar experienced complete, crushing disappointment late last night, when they heard potentially awesome metal band Evisceratops play a…
LOMBARD, Ill. — Panic and confusion set in at the AutoZone off of Main St. on Wednesday, when the entire staff, also known as the…
Satisfied Marilyn Manson has Rib Sewn Back On
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Industrial rock legend Marilyn Manson had a previously removed pair of his ribs successfully reattached late last night in an unprecedented medical…
Nü-Metal Atheist Doesn’t Believe in Godsmack
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Rutgers University sophomore Mike Holloway declared today that he “doesn’t believe in Godsmack,” calling himself a “nü-metal atheist, fighting for truth…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Sarah Walker, girlfriend of Corpse Crawl drummer Steve Schultz, traded phone numbers with the girlfriends of her boyfriend’s bandmates in a transparent…
Gibson Flying V’s Migrate to Warmer, Harder-Rocking Climates for Winter
DENVER — Avid guitarwatchers gathered earlier today at Sloan’s Lake Park to watch the last flock of Gibson Flying V’s take flight on their annual…
Long-Lost Mastodon Demo Tape Found Frozen in Russian Tundra
SIBERIA — Musicologists on an expedition to capture field recordings of shamanic doom metal bands in Siberia have discovered a long-lost Mastodon demo tape frozen…
B.C. Rich Warlock Named People’s Sexiest Man Alive
NEW YORK — After over a decade of predictably attractive, slightly edgy white men claiming the top spot, People magazine has finally chosen the first…
CHAPEL HILL, N.C. — Fans and critics alike say stoner metal band Wand Luthier has redefined the genre with their debut album, The Blazed Among…