PORTLAND, Maine. — The intro track of doom metal band Bleak Altar’s newest album is either an “artful, slow burn” or “complete waste of 12…
EL PASO, Texas — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke faced increased scrutiny from political adversaries yesterday following accusations alleging he deleted dozens of nü-metal mp3s…
I see the way you look at me when I pull up at the red light, blasting “Fucking Hostile” off of Vulgar Display of motherfuckin’…
Zine Names 23 Hottest, Most Eligible Bachelors of Charlotte, NC Stoner Sludge Scene
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local zine Weedkiller published their annual list this morning of the hunkiest, most eligible bachelors of Charlotte’s extremely niche stoner sludge scene,…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Metalhead Brad Fetterman spent several hours yesterday sewing the sleeves back on to his finest Dying Fetus T-shirt in preparation for his…
SAN DIEGO — Entomologists at the California Center for Insect Study published a paper today detailing the fascinating life cycle of the common Iron Maiden…
Satanic Messages Found When Black Metal Played Forwards
WASHINGTON — Parental groups across the nation are growing concerned about a new recording technique known as “frontmasking,” in which satanic messages are conveyed when…
Bad Hardcore Band Crosses Over Into Worse Metal Band
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local five-piece outfit Brain Pollution have completed their successful transition from forgettable hardcore act into atrocious metal band, disappointing unsuspecting fans throughout…
Doom Metal Band Asks if They Have Time for One More Chord
PORT CHESTER, N.Y. — Doom metal band Satan’s Bong asked organizers of the Black Grief Festival if the band had time to perform one more…
ATLANTA — Bassist Adam Frost has joined local metal outfit Niceguy Genocide in a lucrative, two-year deal worth an estimated $100, Frost’s management team confirmed…
Opinion: Fuckin’ Slayer!
Fuckin’ SLAYER mother fucker! Yeah! Fuckin’ Raining Blood fuckin’ metal fuck yeah! AAAAAAARRRGGHHH! Yeah! Oh yeah so fuckin’ BRUTAL! 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0–0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0–0-0-0-0-0-0 You HEAR that SHIT?! That’s…
Reader Can’t Tell If Metal Review Positive or Negative
CLEVELAND — Metalhead Tom Stanza was deeply perplexed yesterday by the ambiguous review of metal band Gorefucker’s newest album Toxic Cum, confused sources confirmed. “First…
Dave Mustaine Refuses to Leave Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Until He Speaks to Manager
CLEVELAND — Metal legend Dave Mustaine refused to leave the lobby of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame at closing time early this week…
Metal Lyricist Pens Deeply Personal Song About the Time He Rode a Motorcycle into Hell and Had Sex with a Demon
SHREVEPORT, La. — Metal singer/songwriter Jake Reid strayed from his usual topics of drinking and fighting in his latest work, telling the true story of…
Slipknot Unmasked On Stage by Meddling Kids
DES MOINES, Iowa — A group of young mystery solvers and their plucky pet dog stripped alternative-metal band Slipknot of their trademark masks last week…