PORTLAND, Maine. — The intro track of doom metal band Bleak Altar’s newest album is either an “artful, slow burn” or “complete waste of 12…
EL PASO, Texas — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke faced increased scrutiny from political adversaries yesterday following accusations alleging he deleted dozens of nü-metal mp3s…
I see the way you look at me when I pull up at the red light, blasting “Fucking Hostile” off of Vulgar Display of motherfuckin’…
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local zine Weedkiller published their annual list this morning of the hunkiest, most eligible bachelors of Charlotte’s extremely niche stoner sludge scene,…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Metalhead Brad Fetterman spent several hours yesterday sewing the sleeves back on to his finest Dying Fetus T-shirt in preparation for his…
SAN DIEGO — Entomologists at the California Center for Insect Study published a paper today detailing the fascinating life cycle of the common Iron Maiden…
WASHINGTON — Parental groups across the nation are growing concerned about a new recording technique known as “frontmasking,” in which satanic messages are conveyed when…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local five-piece outfit Brain Pollution have completed their successful transition from forgettable hardcore act into atrocious metal band, disappointing unsuspecting fans throughout…
PORT CHESTER, N.Y. — Doom metal band Satan’s Bong asked organizers of the Black Grief Festival if the band had time to perform one more…
ATLANTA — Bassist Adam Frost has joined local metal outfit Niceguy Genocide in a lucrative, two-year deal worth an estimated $100, Frost’s management team confirmed…
Fuckin’ SLAYER mother fucker! Yeah! Fuckin’ Raining Blood fuckin’ metal fuck yeah! AAAAAAARRRGGHHH! Yeah! Oh yeah so fuckin’ BRUTAL! 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0–0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0–0-0-0-0-0-0 You HEAR that SHIT?! That’s…
CLEVELAND — Metalhead Tom Stanza was deeply perplexed yesterday by the ambiguous review of metal band Gorefucker’s newest album Toxic Cum, confused sources confirmed. “First…
CLEVELAND — Metal legend Dave Mustaine refused to leave the lobby of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame at closing time early this week…
SHREVEPORT, La. — Metal singer/songwriter Jake Reid strayed from his usual topics of drinking and fighting in his latest work, telling the true story of…
DES MOINES, Iowa — A group of young mystery solvers and their plucky pet dog stripped alternative-metal band Slipknot of their trademark masks last week…