ERIE, Pa. — Self-proclaimed grindcore aficionado Eduard Riva has vanished from the internet in recent months, as Facebook’s content flagging protocols continue to catch and…
AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Local nü-metal band Hog Washer can’t decide which of the countless butthole puns they thought of over the last six months…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local Pantera fan Blane Butts referred to another customer at Ingles Supermarket as an “intellectual” yesterday in an apparent attempt to insult…
LOS GATOS, Calif. — The remaining members of the outspoken nü-metal band Trapt are seeking an ill-informed bigot with cursory drumming ability to replace their…
TAMPA, Fla. — Ronnie “The Neck” Garefino, the virtuoso guitarist for the speed metal band Fisting Frankenstein, is admittedly “totally clueless” when it comes to…
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic…
I used to be one of those metal kids who thought it was cool to piss off your parents by blasting ungodly music at even…
HUNTINGTON, N.Y — Part-time barista and avid Marilyn Manson fan, Scuff Leeway underwent an invasive spine removal surgery in an effort to reach batshit arguments…
GOLDEN, Colo. — Legendary metal band Pantera announced today a collaboration with Coors Brewing Company to bring their fans a new box set in the…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Universal Music Group will reissue nü-metal outfit Papa Roach’s seminal 2000 album “Infest” in a deluxe edition that features five less…
LOS ANGELES — Local Boy Scout Matthew Bolz allegedly did not realize that the old woman he aided across the street yesterday was actually heavy…
KINGS PARK, N.Y. — 41-year-old Pantera megafan Ray “Nickelbag” Shipley is still enrolled in 11th grade at Kings Park High School, as well as nightly…
ATHENS, Ga. — Bashful metal enthusiast Ross Bromberg attempted to muster up the strength yesterday to speak with a woman he believed to be both…
ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the…
BALTIMORE — Local audio engineer Pat “Filth” Filtrenzo realized yesterday that his “pay by the hour” business model was deeply flawed after multiple grindcore bands…