Halloween is fucking poser shit and it’s about time somebody said it. We go around acting like it’s the scariest day of the year when…
This month, millions of Americans will travel to see their families for Thanksgiving. But for those of us on the front lines in the war…
Thanksgiving: the most quintessentially American of all holidays. More than Christmas, more than the Fourth of July, even more than Toyotathon, Americans consider Thanksgiving to…
HENDERSON, Nev. — Local goth Amarantha Obsidian blew her entire October grocery budget on novelty Halloween socks from Spirit Halloween Store, shocked friends and family…
NEPTUNE, N.J. — Local supermarket cashier and goth Trish Sommers filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her employer after her PTO request for Halloween was…
For kids, Halloween is all about candy. For parents, it’s an opportunity to show said children that Mommy and Daddy still have incredibly healthy libidos.…
WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Canadian classic rock band Bachman-Turner Overdrive announced around the crack of noon that they will not be taking care of any business…
CINCINNATI — Your Mom is wondering if you’ll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you’ll be too busy with this…
SEATTLE — Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according…
SANDUSKY, Ohio — Local punk Curtis “Copkiller” Richards reportedly ceased his habit of constant slander against the United States while enjoying a few kosher beef…
UNITED STATES — 2021 calendars across the country report that Christmas is only 183 mass shootings away, sources who are counting down the days from…
CEDAR HILLS, Ore. — Local casually practicing Wiccans Lois and Timothy Webb told friends earlier this week that, while they are still technically Pagan, they…
PHOENIX — Local punk and licensed therapist Dr. Tim “Roach” Rochestky, LPCC, suggested that a patient kick his square fuckhead of a dad off his…
BOSTON — Local therapist Dr. Loic Middleberry attempted to reach new clients by introducing reduced-rate services for sessions focusing exclusively on dad issues in honor…
There is no right or wrong time to say “I love you” in a relationship. That’s probably why my dad is waiting for the perfect…