BOSTON — Local man, and person with little to no concern for his physical well-being, Travis Ligresti was spotted eating his fifth fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt cup…
HARRISONBURG, Va. — Local punk and obvious alcoholic Marcia Fries announced moments ago that despite consuming nearly a dozen cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer…
FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly…
LANDSDALE, Pa. — A guitar in the care of local musician Andrew Sampson is treated with more respect and dignity than Sampson’s own body, multiple…
ATHENS, Ga. — Local uninsured and ailing man Jordan Cohen announced today that he will “just give it a few more days” before seeking any…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Roommates at punk/party house the Snake Pit are reportedly growing alarmed by the complete lack of water intake by fellow resident…
Jeff Sessions’ crusade against marijuana is damaging to the American economy, harmful to our healthcare system, and totally blows chunks for the band 311. Sessions,…
LOS ANGELES — Anemic American and Etsy shop owner Devin Davies was seen this morning sorting a variety of personal, ironic supplements at Kindness &…
Irving Schumacher has seen a lot in his day. Born in 1899, the 118-year-old is America’s oldest man, but you’d never know it just by…
WASHINGTON — Republicans are drafting a new Obamacare replacement bill that includes a clause removing children from their parents’ Netflix account after the age of…
LOS ANGELES — Morrissey begrudgingly signed for another shipment of Emergen-C early this morning from fans desperately trying to keep the aging performer in good…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — As the U.S. comes to terms with a Trump presidency, local woman Valerie Stevens discovered a silver lining amongst the doom and…
ANN ARBOR, Mich – Despite having just broken a personal best 5K time and cutting out all refined sugars from her diet, Julia Parcell, a…