FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Promising guitarist Liam Doughtery’s guitar career was suddenly terminated yesterday after the introduction of the difficult F major barre chord during…
WAILUKU, Hawaii — Popular Maui wedding band Holy Matrimony couldn’t believe how many people flew out to Patricia and Peter Jatinder’s destination wedding just to…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local badass eagle and body modification enthusiast Mordechai flummoxed friends and family last week by getting a wimpy-ass nerd tattooed on his…
WASHINGTON — Residents of the punk house collective known as Radistan have reportedly “lost their goddamn fucking minds if they think anyone is going along…
BOSTON — Socially conscious punk Casey Chaminski is reportedly torn today between supporting a local coffee roaster that consistently fucks up his order, or a…
LOS ANGELES — Popular musical act Alvin and the Chipmunks are seeking a new frontman this week following the death of their previous lead vocalist,…
SAN DIEGO — An acquaintance from high school was wondering today if you’d be interested in a really cool opportunity to do some of the…
SAYREVILLE, N.J. — New Jersey punk band PornDotCom has been struggling to tow the line between defying expectations of the mainstream and having favorable results…
HELL, Mich. — Instagram user and avid pornography viewer Eric Stafford found himself more embarrassed yesterday by his Instagram search history than his porn viewing…
CLEVELAND — Local metalhead and father Bruce Howardt could not teach his son the simple basics of shaving yesterday due to his relative inexperience with…
EUGENE, Ore. — Tearful members of the Whiteaker Neighborhood Association determined through contentions debate yesterday that the common protest refrain “ACAB,” standing for “All Cops…
MINNEAPOLIS — ‘90s alternative music darlings Marcy Playground revealed yesterday that their hit song “Sex and Candy” was more specifically about anal sex and candy…
TURNERSVILLE, N.J. — Teenage cannabis user Jared Luzinski was astonished to discover yesterday that ancient human beings once used fire to smoke, baffled sources confirmed.…
LOS ANGELES — Indie powerhouse Phoebe Bridgers surprised fans yesterday by uploading a somber rendition of your grandmother’s most private final moments to Bandcamp at…
BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to lead him to switch off…