Bro, listen to me. I know you weren’t even gonna come out tonight. Long week. Rent’s late. Life is a fucking joke. But none of…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local punk Pattie “Two Dollar” O’Malley set up a foundation dedicated to researching and curing “coke dick,” a condition that renders…
LAS VEGAS — Former president Donald Trump told attendees at an outdoor rally that he would bring Fruitopia vending machines back to public schools within…
BOSTON — An adorable beginning to a relationship happened today as two punks had a meet-cute while accidentally Lady and the Tramp-ing line of cocaine,…
LOS ANGELES — Self-help book “Addicted to Success: Eight Habits of the Highly Motivated” reportedly watched helplessly today as its self-improvement lessons were completely ignored…
The seedy nightclub scene has long been a staple of cinema and television, often serving as an inversion of the characters’ everyday lives—a metaphorical (and…
INDIANAPOLIS – Local woman Kristen Wise’s pinky nail groomed specifically for the consumption of cocaine also has surprising snack-related benefits, multiple witnesses with red fingers…
BOSTON — Local pub O’Keeffe’s is reportedly asking patrons if they are ok with consuming Flogging Molly after they lost their ability to provide Dropkick…
NEW YORK – Local punk Chris Lanning was recently caught in the embarrassing act of cutting both an all-beef frank and blow with the same…
HARRISON, N.Y. — Executives at PepsiCo announced the launch of a new beverage called Pepsi Boneless which they hope will break through the discerning Gen…
SYDNEY — An enlightening new study from researchers at The University of Sydney found that the majority of sea turtles get straws stuck up their…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Southern woman and recreational drug user Darlene Abbot reportedly refers to every amphetamine or stimulant simply as “coke,” citing cultural norms and…
BURBANK, Calif. — Hollywood is abuzz amidst reports that one of its most fabled power couples, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese and his ‘70s muse, a…
LOS ANGELES — Former precocious one-year-old and current convicted felon on parole Tommy Pickles, now 31, allegedly muttered to himself “a baby’s gotta do what…
CHICAGO — Local punk Gary “Crutch” Burke’s girlfriend Jacquelyn Flowers, who helped Burke get off of drugs, stop living on the street, and is paying…