Hurray! You’ve finally saved enough money working your shitty nine-to-five and numerous side hustles to afford a house. Your dad always said you were a…
I was looking through some mail I stole when I saw an invitation to the NYC Prince’s Ball, and realized it was tonight! I knew…
So your favorite company did something ethically wrong and you want to start a boycott. Congratulations! A lot of people are under the impression that…
Hola. Mucho gusto. That means “Hi, pleased to meet you.” Did I learn that from your little fucking owl? ¡No! (That means “No!”). I learned…
There is probably no inalienable right greater than freedom of expression, and what better way to tell the world that you saw Hawthorne Heights at…
I am way too good of a friend. Despite being a total bebop jazz head, I agreed to go to the Sonic Breeze EDM Festival…
Have you ever been frustrated by the United States Postal Service because they lost a letter you mailed? Imagine if that letter miraculously showed up…
The incidents that signify the end of a punk’s life are varied, unpredictable, and often smelly, but there is no discharge from the scene as…
Looking back on my life I’ve realized that I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But these are the things you learn about yourself when storming…
Topher Klein wants other fathers-to-be to know that just because they’re not the one giving birth doesn’t mean the birth story isn’t about them. Some…
That’s a nice “Separation Sunday” shirt, but I can tell you’ve never listened to The Hold Steady the way I have. Until you’ve been banned…
I’ve been seeing my therapist, Terry, for a few months now, and overall it’s fine. I go to his office and get to complain about…
Hey, man, you look a little down. Everything ok? Oh yikes, sorry to hear about your mom and that bus. Have you tried spending less…
The ‘70s are back, baby, and they’re right here in my 250-square-foot apartment. I’m reliving the debauchery of the decade by masturbating to completion, taking…
Time flies. One minute you’re young and invincible with your whole life ahead, and the next you find yourself thinking “wow, what a banger” while…