WASHINGTON — America’s first-born males made a stunning about-face to decades of tradition yesterday by announcing they will no longer buy alcohol for siblings younger…
Hey there! Why don’t you pony up over here while I order up a round of cold ones and tell you exactly why I don’t…
“I Didn’t Realize This Was a Gay Bar,” Man Says for Sixth Night in a Row
WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Local man Brian Davis was shocked and surprised yet again last night that Backslide, the bar he visited for the sixth…
Insecure Straight Edge Guy Leaves Bartender $5 Tip on Glass of Tap Water
SAN FRANCISCO — Lifelong straight edger Timothy Sharp tipped $5 on a glass of tap water last night, thanks to his ignorance of bar etiquette…
Man Reading Alone at Bar Prefers to Drink Alone at Library
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Greg Kaiters enjoyed reading a nice chapter from a book at the Bridgetown Rose Saloon last Friday night after spending…
BOSTON — Owners of popular local bar Toolie’s are under heavy scrutiny today after unveiling a dress code slammed as discriminatory against patrons with irregular…
BAYONNE, N.J. — Rooney’s Tavern resident sad guy John Russo is reportedly nothing more than a lonely, pathetic alcoholic, despite matching the description of every…
Music Left on Venue PA Better Than Opener’s Set
LINCOLN, Neb. — Bartender Dana Lin accidentally left her music playing last night over the PA at a local punk show during the opener’s set,…
Opening Band Also Headliner’s Audience
WASHINGTON — Local punk outfit Desktops, the opening band at last night’s show at The Pinch, inadvertently became the entire audience for headlining band The…
Is She Madly in Love With You, or Just a Bartender Doing Her Job?
We’ve all been there before- you’re checking out the trendy new bar in town and you really hit it off with the hot bartender. Signals…
Misheard Lyrics Better Than Actual Lyrics
BALTIMORE — Local karaoke enthusiasts were shocked last night to learn that the words to Cosmic Dinosaur’s hit single “Let’s Stop Going” were significantly worse…
Thanks for coming into my office today. Investing your time, energy, and emotions into a potential relationship partner is quite an undertaking. Effectively and efficiently…
Headliner Really Just Playing Last
EUGENE, Ore. — Indie outfit Southbreather headlined local dive bar The Sour Patch Tuesday night after booker Joe Hermann asked the group if they wouldn’t…
Man Pretends to Thoughtfully Peruse Beer List Before Picking Based on Alcohol Content
BALTIMORE — Self-proclaimed beer snob Jeremy Drika pretended last night to thoughtfully peruse the beer list at a local brewpub before picking solely based on…
Smoke Signals Warn Gay Bar of Approaching Bachelorette Party
WASHINGTON — Distant smoke signals spotted by staff at local gay bar Pitchers earlier today confirmed that the bachelorette party of Becky Cartwright was en…