CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local guitarist Joel Svensson admitted yesterday that he bought the recently released JHS OrcGrinder pedal primarily based on its cool name and…
RICHMOND, Ind. — Depressed man Mike Calkins’s cries for help yesterday were laughed off again by friends and colleagues, due to his frequent use of…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local ex-boyfriend Clyde Satler caught his luckiest break since his separation from his former girlfriend yesterday, realizing that the death of her…
BEIJING — Chinese punks were astonished today after their government officially repealed the long-standing policy of penalizing citizens who play in more than one band,…
SYLMAR, Calif. — Local tax consultant Brian Weldon signed up for a beginner-level mixed martial arts class last week to defend himself during fights he…
Rage Against the Machine is reuniting for some shows next year and I for one cannot wait to rock out live to my favorite rap-rock-punk-funk-metal…
NORTHAMPTON, Mass. — Aspiring influencer Joey Partouzi abandoned a much-hyped DIY project in record time yesterday after facing a small setback during the planning stage,…
VISTA, Calif. — Divorced parents Margaret Clark and Pete Doyle put aside years of mutual acrimony last night, reconnecting over their hated of daughter Kelsey’s…
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence was “disoriented” and “inconsolable” last night leaving a concert by metal band Lamb of God shortly after it began,…
PORTLAND, Maine — Attendees, staff, and band at a Drunk Witch show last night simultaneously all concluded that they’re just “too old for this loud…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Beta cuck Seth Armitage watched helplessly from the side of his wife Nadia’s hospital bed last Thursday as cancer totally fucked…
DETROIT — Controversial singer/songwriter Morrissey is now selling signed copies of albums by the notorious white power band Skrewdiver for $300 at concerts, attendees at…
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — High school sophomore Michelle Johnston was hospitalized for exhaustion last night after leaving a full day of attending predominantly white classes…
HILTON, N.Y. — Boyfriend and birthday boy Brad Krister insisted today he really doesn’t want anything from you this year other than to spend time…
BALTIMORE — Members of local band Wasted Rat agreed yesterday that the guitar solo in their new song “absolutely rips,” but immediately turned to arguing…