Culture Archives - Page 235

Punk Uses Both Sides of Plate to Save on Dishes

Harley Murgatroyd • February 27, 2022

AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk and self-declared “dish-truther” Sammy Gladwin has been reported by multiple sources as using both sides…

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America Dispatches 5,000 Scrappy, Italian-American Boxers to Symbolically Combat Russian Threat

Camden Brazile • February 26, 2022

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden signed an executive order immediately dispatching 5,000 scrappy, Italian-American, mush-mouthed boxers to pose a metaphorical…

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Punk Caught Praising Establishment During Hot Mic Moment

Robert John Scucci • February 26, 2022

CLEVELAND – The local punk scene was fractured and irreparably divided after Fight for Disorder’s long-time frontman Gary Hench was…

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“I Wish Bars Here Were Open til 4 a.m.” Says Woman Unaware 2 a.m. Last Call Only Reason She’s Alive

John Danek • February 25, 2022

LOS ANGELES — Literary agent and frequent binge drinker Lana Delano has no idea that despite her protests, California’s statewide…

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Straight Edge Supreme Court Decision Could Overturn Landmark MacKaye vs. Caffeine Case

Goodrich Gevaart • February 25, 2022

WASHINGTON — The Straight Edge Supreme Court will hear arguments this week in the case of Lewis v. Monster Energy…

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Porn Parody of Euphoria Much Tamer

Sam Eardley • February 24, 2022

LOS ANGELES — The recently-released porn parody of edgy and controversial teen drama “Euphoria,” titled “Screw-phoria,” is stirring controversy for…

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Punk Adds “Selling Plasma” to Resume

Harley Murgatroyd • February 23, 2022

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local punk Wynn Hall updated their resume yesterday evening to include “selling plasma” following a long history…

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Hungover Man Searches Through Targeted Ads to Figure Out What He Did Last Night

Billy Patterson • February 23, 2022

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Greg Fitzwater began scrolling through his targeted ads to try to piece together what happened…

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Man Who Picks Up Fallen People in Pit Snubbed by Nobel Peace Prize Committee

Harley Murgatroyd • February 23, 2022

ORLANDO — The local scene took notice when highly lauded community hero, Terrence Mann, was left out of those named…

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Bob Dylan’s Stomach X-Rays Reveal 20 Years Worth of Accidentally Swallowed Harmonicas

Chris Bowen • February 22, 2022

MALIBU,Calif. — Folk music legend Bob Dylan was recently rushed to a local Doctor’s office because of a strange, almost…

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