Merch Guy Has Name Apparently
DAYTON, Ohio — Members of local punk band False Dmitri were shocked to learn that their longtime merch guy had…
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Patrick Crooks
161 stories found
Boyfriend Swears To Do Bare Minimum Required To Take Him Back
CHICAGO — Local boyfriend who’s changed, he swears, Britt Keller promised on again-off again girlfriend Carolyn Mueller that he will…
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Marvel Throws Out Captain America vs. Predator Just to See If It Sticks
LOS ANGELES — Bored Marvel and Disney executives confirmed that they have greenlit a Captain America vs. Predator crossover mostly…
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Local Punk Featured in 30 People Over 30 Who Need to Get Their Shit Together
GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Local punk Cris Martinson was recently honored by Forbes Magazine in their annual “30 People over…
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Punk Just Puts Newspaper Over Dead Roommate
BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local punk Tyra Flores was spotted placing sheets of old newspaper over the corpse of her housemate…
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Man Watching “Pink Flamingos” Beginning to Think He’s Not Going to Learn About Birds
PHILADELPHIA — Local birdwatcher and ornithology enthusiast Sam Greer watched approximately half of the classic 1970s John Waters film “Pink…
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Man Once Again Manages to Stand in Spot Where Everyone Pushes Past Him
NEW YORK — Local punk Frankie Hartman lamented moments ago that he managed to stand yet again in the exact…
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Newly Single Man Brings CPAP Machine to Bar Just In Case
PHILADELPHIA — Newly single man Tim Donahue brought his CPAP machine to a bar yesterday evening in the event he…
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Band Arriving at Venue Just Realized They Forgot to Tell Bassist He’s Out of the Group
BALTIMORE — Members of local punk band Slip and Fall realized they’d neglected to tell their bassist they'd voted him…
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Elite Team of Mercenaries No Match for Alcoholic Ex-Patrolman Turned Security Guard
NEW YORK — A mercenary team of ex-special forces, KGB, and other trained combatants attempting to take an entire gala…
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