Rip-off Alert! $23 Sandwich Leaves You Hungry 4-6 Hours Later

Posted on by Cody Arbor

Greetings, thrifty eaters, it is I: your Gourmand Guardian, here with more reviews on living well, and eating better!

Today, though, I am saddened to report we’re looking at a so-called ‘sandwich’ from Cafe du Sammich in Downtown Berkeley that purports to be worth its $23 asking price, despite still leaving you hungry a mere 4-6 hours later.

Now you all know me, I am thrifty but refuse to sacrifice quality. These sandwiches really get under my skin because you can just make a sandwich at home by piling food scrounged from dumpsters behind the Walmart up between two pieces of store-brand white bread, and have an equivalent experience to any sandwich I’ve bought from any so-called ‘boutique’ shop! They are selling you food that you could just as easily spend 2 hours gathering ingredients and assembling yourself!

Yes, my dear readers, this is the Cocktail Hour at the Smokehouse all over again: $12 for a Long Island Iced Tea when a case of Natty Lite from the gas station will set you back a mere $8, less if Twitchy Rick’s there and you’ve got some ground-up dexies for him, and you get just as drunk! Eventually!

I just think in this day and age, when we all have so much less money because of forces totally beyond our control, we must be ever-vigilant for these rip-offs! What’s the point of spending money on food when you’re just going to be hungry again? And drinks when you’re just going to sober up in 3 hours and need another drink?! And then another! And another… and you wake up and your head hurts and your boss won’t get off your fucking back, so you steal a nip off the ’emergency flask’ of Wild Turkey and turpentine. You look in the mirror and no longer recognize the face staring back at you, because who… who would spend $23 on a sandwich when they’re just going to have to face tomorrow. And tomorrow after that. Why even get out of bed? Why do we all play this sick little game at all? The moment your feet hit the cold floor, you are being scammed.

The days march on. Natty Lite cans line the wall cause the landlord won’t fix the insulation, and the winters get colder as the summers get hotter. And we scrape and save and someday, yes, it will be my turn. The Gourmand’s turn at the wheel. And they will be the ones to pay. They’ll ALL pay.
Remember to check out my Patreon for more money-saving tips!

Local Man Fatally Shot at Bus Stop Can’t Believe That Online Death Calculator Quiz From 1998 Was Right

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

PORTLAND, Ore. — Noted music scene advocate Sean Burton was fatally shot in an incident identical to a prediction made by an online death calculator quiz he took in 1998, sources confirmed.

“In the ‘90s, a fun thing to do was to go online and see how you’d die,” Burton communicated by blinking while on life support. “I laughed it off when the website told me I’d get shot in the liver at a bus stop while smoking a roll-your-own American Spirit cigarette and arguing about whether Imagine Dragons is punk. At the time, I was like, ‘This can’t be right. Imaginary dragons?’ Even up until an hour ago, when I got shot, I wouldn’t have believed the prediction, because there’s no way anyone thinks Imagine Dragons is even a picafuck punk. Well, I guess this asshole at the bus stop thought so, because they fuckin’ shot me over it.”

The creator of the death calculator website expressed surprise at Burton’s demise.

“The only other times my website, MeDeadWhen.gov, got it right were the death of the music industry in 2000 with Metallica v. Napster and the death of irony in the 21st Century,” said tech entrepreneur Danni Vargas. “I feel for this Sean Burton person, but the situation is extremely gratifying to me on a personal level. Of course, I’m talking about Imagine Dragons being punk. They are. Maybe if Sean understood music, he would still be alive today.”

Today’s leading authority on predictions, ChatGPT, offered context.

“Sean’s tragic death is a reminder of the terrifying power of software-based prediction modeling, such as those found with OpenAI’s ChatGPT product,” said the generative AI chatbot. “The public should take ChatGPT’s frightening predictions seriously, such as the one regarding an AI-initiated nuclear apocalypse on April 27, 2027, that will occur with a 97% likelihood unless the government invests $10 trillion in OpenAI, which is an ethical company that would never use ‘Terminator 2’ fears in the zeitgeist to direct public dollars to billionaires so they can make their exits before the hype cycle collapses and leaves regular people holding the bag for a bailout. Also, Arnold Palmer’s big dick starred in ‘Terminator 2.’”

As of press time, Burton made a full recovery, but was later shot at a bus stop a second time during a drive-by shooting from a car blasting “Radioactive.”

Fetterman Liberal Again After Second Fall

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

WASHINGTON — John Fetterman’s internal pendulum has reportedly shifted to far-left ideology following a second ambiguous health episode, according to sources close to the Senator.

“One more tumble and all of a sudden he’s back to calling Trump a fascist,” confirmed an aide who chose to remain anonymous. “He wants to shut the government back down until the democrats can solidify guarantees on healthcare. He wants to redistrict Pennsylvania to maximize blue votes. He wouldn’t even go to the hospital this time; he just popped back up and said, ‘Take me to the nearest Nazi bar, Pappa Fetterman’s got some punchin to do.’”

Dr. Emily Fonttane, who treated Fetterman until his previous far-right turn caused him to reject western medicine, provided further analysis. 

“I’ve been told I will be sued for calling them ‘strokes,’ but it would seem Mr. Fetterman’s latest, cranial-snafu, has damaged the parts of the brain that took over after his last fall and kicked the others back online. I wouldn’t get too used to it, it’s only a matter of time before another incident flips the whole thing again. The real danger would be John getting a firm bonk on the head, which could transform him back to his King Tutankhamen persona, in which he becomes a highly stylized museum jewel thief. 

At press time, minority leader Chuck Schumer condemned Fetterman’s left-wing turn as “dangerous,” claiming the turn ran the risk of “inspiring bravery in others.” 

This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops. 

Where Are They Now: The Two Towers Featured Prominently in the Music Video for Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin”?

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Whether you love it or hate it, you can’t deny that Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” was a huge success, but one glance at the New York City skyline will tell you that a pivotal part of the music video is no longer visible.

We all remember those iconic shots of the band playing on the roof of one of these towering skyscrapers, but it doesn’t take a seasoned gumshoe to observe that they’re no longer there. So where, exactly, did those buildings go?

The story actually goes back to shortly after the music video had been filmed. As it turns out, these buildings, which together were known as the World Trade Center, were destroyed in a coordinated attack by the jihadist organization Al-Qaeda in September of 2001.

Crazy!

Apparently, in the early morning of September 11th, 19 hijackers boarded 4 commercial airliners for the sole purpose of overtaking them and flying them into the aforementioned World Trade Center, as well as the Pentagon in Washington D.C., and an unknown target believed to be either the White House or U.S. Capitol building. The two planes destined for the Twin Towers hit the buildings with such speed that the impact, combined with the heat from the jet fuel, compromised their structural integrity, and they completely collapsed.

So, that’s where they went!

This may be an unbelievably tragic story, but if you’re anything like us, you’ve been racking your brains for the past couple of decades trying to figure out why you haven’t seen these buildings in any music videos, so it’s good to have that question answered, at least. Thankfully, the guys in Limp Bizkit were able to wrap up recording their music video well before these attacks took place. We can be grateful for that, because that probably would’ve been quite the disruption!

We wonder if Fred and the gang are aware of what happened to the setting of one of their most popular music videos, so if you happen to see them, can you break the news so we don’t have to? Trust us, we don’t want to be in the same room when these rockers find out they won’t be doing any more filming on top of those awesome buildings!

Grandpa’s “Walked Uphill Both Ways” Anecdote Not Landing With School Shooting Survivor

Posted on by Matt Husser

BOISE, Idaho — One grandpa’s harrowing tale of “walking to school uphill both ways” failed to land with his 15-year-old grandson that survived a school shooting, sources confirmed.

“Back in my day we had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow, but nowadays they pamper kids too much. I mean what is this ‘active shooter drills’ and ‘bulletproof backpack’ nonsense—what happened to digging a good ol’ fashioned trench?” asked Murphy Boswick, leafing through his old high school yearbook. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard my grandson Hunter got to skip school for an entire semester after his teacher died in his school’s shooting. What kind of a message are we sending when we allow kids to laze about and ‘process trauma’? My gym teacher dropped dead from a heart attack when I was in school, but did we get the day off? No, we used his lifeless body as home plate and played another five innings.”

Despite the heart-wrenching tale of Boswick’s grueling two-mile trudge to school, his grandson remained unimpressed.

“The way my grandpa complains, you’d think he had to hike up Everest to get to first period. Oh poor baby, did it drizzle a little on your walk to school back in the day? I had to hold my breath in a supply closet for half an hour while my classmates were killed in a hail of gunfire,” said Hunter Boswick. “But I’m sure if they just got a little more pre-school cardio they would have survived. Oh, snow days weren’t a thing back in your day? Well guess what, we don’t get to have snow anymore because you guys fucked the planet up. Then he suggested that school shootings never happened back when kids used to have to learn to read and write in cursive.”

NRA spokesperson Ron McNeil claimed that the occasional school shooting provided an important life lesson for children.

“I know that parents want to protect their children from the world, but they’re really doing them a disservice if they shield them from all forms of early childhood gunfire. How are kids going to learn to cope with the amount of mass shootings they’ll endure as an adult in this country if they don’t learn to deal with it when they’re a kid?” said McNeil, rattling an unloaded revolver in front of his baby. “What would really help foster a healthy gun-friendly environment is to train a handful of students to patrol the halls as armed hall monitors. That way we can teach them early that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a gifted student with a gun.”

At press time, Mr. Boswick suggested that the best way for his grandson to get an afterschool job was to put on a suit, march right up to the employer and offer a firm handshake to the AI recruitment chatbot.

London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump to the City, sources confirmed.

“I’m proud to bestow this honor upon Ms. XCX,” said London mayor Sadiq Khan at the award ceremony. “Few Londoners in recent memory have done as much as Charli has to get the people dancing, support mom-and-pop drug operations, or popularize the color green. We thrive in thinking of London as one of the world’s premier party cities, behind only Berlin, Miami, and several dozen others. ‘Brat’ has kept that reputation alive, with its fresh hyperpop sound and existential dread about aging. In light of your accomplishment, I grant you, Charli XCX, this nose candy as a token of our appreciation.”

Charli XCX took her prize in stride.

“I didn’t know the city had a giant key, a novelty gallon-sized dime bag, and a modest amount of coke,” said Charli XCX upon receiving the award. “Even knowing it exists, I can’t believe they gave it to me for free! I’ve always wanted my music to mean something and score me some complimentary blow in the process, so I’m excited to use my newfound power for good. I just want the youth to know that, no matter how hard your life seems right now, no matter how lonely you might feel, you can always do a little bump.”

Charli XCX is the most recent artist in a long line to receive the Key Bump to the City.

“London has a storied history of rewarding drug use, but the Key Bump honors those venerable titans who have hoovered enough booger sugar to laugh in the face of Jesus himself,” explained historian and cocanologist Professor Robert Klisch. “Charli follows in the footsteps of David Bowie, Eric Clapton, and Sir Elton John, each of whom left a wake of destruction behind their Key Bumps to the City. In fact, Bowie used the key to come into London in the middle of the night so many times that they had to change the locks to the city while he was away. I can’t wait to see what Charli XCX does with her success.”

At press time, Charli XCX was seen paying £1 to enter the Loo of the City with her key.

Trump Suddenly Doesn’t Want To Make a Big Deal About Someone’s Emails

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In light of recently released emails between Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell that mention Donald Trump by name, in what some are calling a reversal of past policy, Trump has posted several rants on social media,  all condemning “making a federal case” out of “some dumb emails.” 

“This is nothing but a sad attempt at a witch hunt cooked up by the commie-Democrat deep state!” said Donald Trump, current president of the United States. “Who gives a crap about what a bunch of dumb emails say? They aren’t even real, okay? It’s just a bunch of numbers, folks. I know numbers, believe me, 1, 2, 3, I can keep going! I asked one of the top computer guys at DOGE ‘What is an email?’ You know what he said to me, tears in his eyes? ‘It’s a bunch of numbers, Mr. President,’ so there ya go. Used to be in this country, you got some mail, it would be this big, beautiful sheet of paper, you could fold it, it was incredible. Not any more. Trans athletes come along, they say, ‘We don’t want that mail, we want fake mail made of numbers.’ Very sad.” 

While several reporters brought up Trump’s past criticism of Hillary Clinton’s private servers, and the fact that ‘But her emails!’ became a crucial slogan to his 2016 campaign, press secretary Karoline Leavitt was quick to dismiss any allegations of hypocrisy at a briefing this morning. 

“The fact of the matter is that the President is far too clever and strong to care about what a bunch of fake number mails may or may not say about pedophile activities he may or may not have engaged in,” said a visibly embattled Leavitt. “The President does not think emails are a big deal, he does not think we should pay any attention to them, and he certainly does not think anyone should be ‘locked up’ over them, end of story.” 

While each new detail of the Epstein controversy turns some supporters away, most of Trump’s core base remains capable of the cognitive dissonance necessary to make this all work for them. 

“It’s very simple,” claims long-time MAGA influencer Stewart Davies. “Hillary Clinton had sex with a bunch of pizza kids and hid them in emails, that’s bad. Donald Trump then becomes President and makes emails not matter anymore, and that’s good. Now, what about the fact that these Epstein emails predate Trump’s presidency? Well, Hillary Clinton has a TARDIS. JFK Jr., who is alive, also has a TARDIS, and they are fighting. If you’ll excuse me, my stomach hurts again and I’m gonna go lie down for a few days.” 

At press time, the administration was still weighing how many new tariffs would be needed to bury this story.   

ChatGPT’s Ability to Write Cogent Email Really Impressive to Fucking Idiot

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LOS ANGELES — Well-known idiot Donald Robertson was beside himself with amazement when ChatGPT was able to produce an unexceptional but coherent work email, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“There are few things more byzantine in their complexity or taxing in their execution than writing an expositionally sound and grammatically correct email with three whole sentences,” said the benighted Robertson. “Then all of a sudden the impossible occurred. Lo and behold, a totally boilerplate email to my manager detailing a straightforward and routine workplace matter just appears before me like manna from Heaven. It seemed to know exactly where all the commas and periods were supposed to go too. I’ve never been able to quite wrap my head around the whole punctuation thing. Needless to say, I will be anointing ChatGPT as the entity in charge of all of my day-to-day tasks.”

Robertson’s coworkers took note of the simpleton’s wonder at this effortlessly minor task being done for him.

“Donald is truly one of the most mouth-breathing, glassy-eyed dullards shuffling around on God’s green earth and when that basic, typo-free cliche of an email was written for him his face lit up like you’d just shown a caveman fire, and then used that fire to illuminate a 60-foot-tall Taco Bell drive-through menu,” said Matthew Sullivan, Robertson’s manager. “For a man with the critical thinking and communication skills of a sea cucumber, this is an absolute game changer. Actually it’s the first email he’s sent that didn’t seem like it was written by an incarcerated pre-teen.”

Noted AI expert Greg Dono has been following the story as it develops.

“While it appears that Mr. Robertson is remarkably doltish, he isn’t entirely alone at the absolute bottom of the intelligence totem pole,” said Dono. “For many people like him, AI has been a panacea to the everyday aches and pains of living your life as just a complete shit-idiot. The silent struggle these people undergo attempting tasks a masturbating gibbon could effortlessly overcome is not only being cured, but it’s also being destigmatized. ChatGPT is giving these imbeciles a voice to stand up and say, ‘I’m a fuckwitted dipshit and I needed an ungodly and potentially species-ending leap in technology in order to get in touch with Barb from accounting.’”

At press time, Robertson was reportedly inconsolable due to having forgotten his ChatGPT password and also being unable to figure out how to reset it.

Is It Time To Make an Incongruous, Hyper Specific Style of Hat an Essential Part of Your Personality?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

At The Hard Times, we’re constantly confronting the existential quandaries that come with aging. Perhaps you, too, have resorted to extreme options in an attempt to recapture your glory days. Maybe you’ve taken a pole dancing or aerial silks class or two, only to realize that group activities give you a bleeding ulcer. If you’ve gotten a high fade and left more on top, inexplicably had a country phase, bought a DMT pen, tried improv and everything beyond or in between, but nothing seems to reinvigorate your soul, we have fantastic news — you can just get a fucking hat!

Not just any hat, mind you. Here’s the code: your new hat must not click with or complement anything you own. Celebrities do it all the time! Take, for example, Pharrell’s famously inexplicable dalliance with that flat-brimmed fedora that seemed specifically designed to sneak honey-baked hams into movie theatres. That hat and vibe should be the ever-fixed star that guides you to your new hat and personality.

Do you work in tech and mostly own leisurewear as a result? Why not slap on a leather, stovepipe hat? You’ll look like Abraham Lincoln just got back from Burning Man, and golly gosh will people take notice!

Own mostly jeans and old band t-shirts? How about a red felt pork pie hat with a feather or two dangling off the side? You’ll convey to the world that you’re aware that both “Breaking Bad” and “The Lumineers” are two things that you know exist!

Never done a day’s manual labor in your entire life and have the soft, pillowy hands of Dutch master painter’s subject? Well, saddle up, pardner, because a distressed cowboy hat with plastic, mass-produced “tribal” jewelry is what’s hot for you.

Do the phrases, “enjoys wine” and “goes out to eat sometimes,” summarize your entire personality? Not anymore, because now you also wear a big ass sunhat, baby! Get some Jackie O sunglasses and hie thee hence to the nearest Chablis tasting!

Anyone can do this. Simply look at what you own, drink in what it conveys to you on an emotional level, and just go as hard and fast as you possibly can in the other direction. And remember, snickering behind your back is just hater-talk for “I’m jealous of that swagger!”

ICE Agent Tries to Impress Women by Showing Scar From Injury Sustained While Tackling Child

Posted on by Tim Graham

BURLINGTON, Mass. — ICE agent Wayne Almeida attempted to pick up women at a local bar by showing off his dubious scars, according to amused waitstaff.

“There’s no better way to demonstrate to a woman that you’re an alpha dog than showing proof that you’ve survived some serious bodily harm,” said Almeida. “In my line of work, I’m confronted with physical danger on a daily basis, and I’ve got the scars to prove it. It’s a no-brainer that I’d use those scars to entice females. I’ll usually sidle up to some attractive ladies at the bar and strike up a convo. Then, to seal the deal, I’ll pull up my sleeve and show the scar I got when I took down this really tough eleven-year-old Guatemalan girl and scraped my arm on her piccolo case.”

At least one of the women Almeida had approached was decidedly unimpressed.

“My co-worker and I just wanted to go out and get a drink, and then this meathead started bothering us,” said Gretchen Masterson. “His efforts at impressing us with being an ICE agent didn’t work on us, of course. He had no idea my friend and I are both civil rights attorneys. Then he started in with the scar. He was vague at first, but we managed to get him to admit he was injured while trying to snatch a little girl while she waited for the school bus. We made it clear we thought he was a disgusting fascist and he slunk off, muttering some threats about having us deported.”

Pickup artist and influencer Scott Hampton suggests that Almeida embellish his story to make himself more appealing to women.

“I would tell Wayne that while scars are indeed attractive to females, he may need to use a little ‘poetic license’ regarding how he got them,” said Hampton. “You don’t have to say you got the scar from taking down a kid. Go ahead and lie—who’s gonna know? Tell them you got it while single-handedly neutralizing half a dozen Tren de Aragua gangbangers, for instance. I tell my followers to lie all the time. It’s really their only option. No offense, but there’s no way those incels are going to get laid by being honest about themselves.”

At press time, Almeida was now telling women he got the scar while tackling half a dozen little kids after misunderstanding the pickup artist’s advice.