Dearest Katie, It pains me to have to write you this since we’ve spent so much time together over the past few months, but alas,…
It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the…
John Waters says, “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them,” which is why I recently started reading. Books…
Tool is a platinum-selling, Grammy-winning, Billboard-topping collection of brilliant artists. Despite selling out arena tours, the average person does not understand the genius of the…
TORONTO — Concert goers were left baffled last night when drummer Gareth McGibbons of mathcore band Hyde Index burst into flames during the band’s second…
ATHENS, Tenn. — Punks across Tennessee sifting through dumpsters for “perfectly good food” are inadvertently becoming the most well-educated people in America thanks to multiple…
CHICAGO — A report recently issued by the Library of Congress has stated that this right here is the good part of the song, shut…
Almost every Millennial was forced to read Lois Lowry’s “The Giver” at some point during middle school. We were quizzed on its dystopian themes, prodded…
BOSTON — Local 39-year-old Tool fan Mark Gibson spent his entire shift last Wednesday angry at the fact that a genius of his magnitude was…
PITTSBURGH — The latest single by local punk band Dog Sniper used a sample of a “NBC Nightly News” telecast in a transparent attempt to…
LOS ANGELES — A years-long study by scientists at UCLA has proved once and for all that drinking eight glasses of water a day is…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local Pantera fan Blane Butts referred to another customer at Ingles Supermarket as an “intellectual” yesterday in an apparent attempt to insult…
Hey, you! Think you’re smarter than a 5th grader? Well, I pray to God that you are because my 10-year-old son Caleb just won the…
Rick and Morty is one of the most popular shows on television right now, which is surprising because I am one of the only people…