It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the door. I’m still pissed, but I get it. Telemarketing isn’t brain surgery, and it was only a matter of time before computers figured out how to sling testosterone boosters to lonely sad sacks and conspiracy freaks.
But you can’t convince me that this is the same AI we’re constantly being told poses an existential threat to humanity – I just don’t see how Skynet ends up enslaving mankind with its arsenal of corny icebreakers and free boner pill samples.
Losing my job to a stupid machine was a real punch in the gut, but I know I’ll be fine. If anything, this experience has taught me that human beings are meant to do more than spend their waking life crammed into a windowless basement repeating the catchphrase “…and she’ll like it too!” five thousand times a day.
Let AI do all of the braindead, soul-crushing work – there are so many more meaningful, high-paying jobs that incentivize patience and a strong work ethic, qualities a machine that’s been programmed to do the same tasks over and over without complaint will never achieve.
For the sake of argument, let’s just assume that AI ends up replacing the entire human workforce, from burger flippers and Walmart greeters to astronauts and male enhancement supplement sales reps, we’re still going to need people to manage the AIs, right?
Sentient programs will likely struggle with the same workplace tensions that we meat puppets always have. Like harassment is probably still a thing – who is going to navigate that awkward conversation with the chatbot who got sloppy at the virtual happy hour and went on a 280-character rant about Mexicans? I’m sorry, but if you’re gullible enough to believe that AI is going to solve racism, I have some dick pills to sell you. I used to, anyway.
The more I think about it, there doesn’t appear to be any job a human can do better than a computer that never sleeps and doesn’t need to pay rent, even if that computer happens to be a bigot. AI is coming for all of our jobs and we might as well embrace the change. I mean, how bad could it be? As someone who happily licks boot any time Elon Musk shits out of his mouth, I figure I’m already wired for success in this technocratic hellscape.