SAN FRANCISCO — 38-year-old father and successful business owner Vince Martinez is still, despite all sound logic and reason, nostalgic for the absolute shittiest years…
CINCINNATI — A benefit show held last night for St. Therese’s Children’s Hospital failed to raise any monetary funds to donate, but successfully generated over…
LONDON — Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is completely oblivious that he will soon embark on his final string of performances, confirmed the Lord…
LOS ANGELES — 36-year-old skateboarder Rodney Sanders found himself in a great moral predicament yesterday when he sided with irate property owners after watching various…
ARLINGTON, Va. — Local man Mark Sadler believed a meme he saw today was exactly the kind of thing his ex-girlfriend may potentially enjoy, texting…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man Dan Traver warned friends this morning that his roommate Will Fu’s tweeting of various Elliott Smith lyrics will likely “…turn…
NEW YORK — Struggling indie trio Sternum First adopted a French bulldog puppy yesterday, undergoing one final attempt to reconnect and save the band from…
DENVER — Local punk Zane Winslow Jr. claimed today that although he is named after his father and is familiar with his father’s existence, he…
WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man Bryan Walsh is terrified and “jumping to insane conclusions” this morning after his father, commercial electrician Murray Walsh, cryptically said…
DULUTH, Minn. — A new report released today in the New England Journal of Medicine claims that the feeling of being in love with someone…
High school is a minefield. It’s the first time young people feel the pressure to distinguish themselves as worthwhile individuals. That’s why it’s always so…
PEORIA, Ill. — Local guitarist Matt Carlton asked his Sweetwater sales rep today to be in his wedding as his best man in a truly…
ATLANTA — Local drummer Drew Mooney plans to sit around and just go fuck himself for the next few weeks as other members of his…
BOSTON — Local woman Anne Deloach is certain the first track from her ex-boyfriend’s latest EP is about her, despite his forgetting her almost immediately…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local hardcore kid Pete Sheehan was overcome with emotions at a show yesterday after running into his ex-hoodie of two months, sources…