Piotr Parker
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TAMPA, Fla. — Local police officer Stan Barton has entered his sixth consecutive hour at Royal Ink Tattoo Studio, brainstorming…
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Cory Cousins
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SUGAR LAND, Texas — New homeowner and devoted metalhead Eric Bronson replaced the out-of-date shag carpet in his living room…
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James Knapp
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MINNEAPOLIS — Local jokester Jeff Kessler’s impersonation of acclaimed actor Chistopher Walken last night was met with stunned silence, as…
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Ish Gupta
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PHILADELPHIA — Local pop-punk band The Dysentery Garys have left Philadelphia, dejectedly returning to their hometown of Botsford, Conn., in…
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Ted Pillow
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Being a socialist means I believe in income equality, universal healthcare, and affordable housing, but it sure as fuck doesn’t…
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Kevin Tit
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TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in…
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Patrick Coyne
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SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling…
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Jimmy Adamson
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CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower…
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Dan Kozuh
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ADDISON, Texas — Addison Fellowship Community Church parishioners are lamenting allowing local metal band Cryptic Martyr to use their sanctuary…
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Doug Francisco
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ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff's deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local…
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