Jonah Nink
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WASHINGTON — Capitol security officials announced this morning that the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden will be secured by 25,000…
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Nick Ortolani
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LOS ANGELES — The upcoming fourth installment of the popular “Matrix” movies is expected to shatter records for dumb, pseduo-philisophical…
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Sari Beliak
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TUCSON, Ariz. — Local man Edgar Ruiz admitted today that he would have done things much differently if he knew…
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Ted Pillow
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KINGS PARK, N.Y. — 41-year-old Pantera megafan Ray “Nickelbag” Shipley is still enrolled in 11th grade at Kings Park High…
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Dan Kozuh
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BALTIMORE — Local thrash metal band Gynosphinx reportedly spent close to $500 to soundproof their practice space last week out…
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Patrick Coyne
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SUMMERVILLE, S.C. — Local man Aaron Metcalfe is hoping today that one of the apparently hundreds of horny MILFs in…
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Ish Gupta
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WASHINGTON — Capitol Police instructed potential rioters today to “just use the same route as last time” in response to…
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James Knapp
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LOS ANGELES — A study from the TV ratings conglomerate Nielsen found that Americans spend an average of 12% of…
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Bobby Korec
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BAYSHORE, N.Y. — Local stressed out man Tanner Beggins took a brief pause moments ago from wailing into his scream…
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Tim Nash
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LONDON — Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she will knight either Liam or Noel Gallagher of famed 90s Britpop…
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