ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Metalhead and production worker at a local bottling plant Louie Moore breathed a sigh of relief after one of his religious coworkers…
Listen, Barth…err I mean “Agramon,” your mother and I love you very much. We are both so proud of the kvlt metal staple you’ve become…
CLARKSDALE, Miss. — Local metalhead Perry Tate came across Satan himself at the crossroads and instantly sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness without…
SHREVEPORT, La. — Local metal band Sinister Dissonance warned their guitarist Henry Derrickson that he’ll go blind if he doesn’t stop playing so many solos,…
STERLING, N.Y. — Local metalhead Johnathan Riccitiello admittedly received more recognition for serving turkey legs at the local Renaissance Faire than for his time in…
LANCASTER, Pa — Amish musician Zeke Johnson bypassed his religion’s strict restrictions on modern technology by playing drums in his metal band Barn Burners, confirmed…
Each week, The Hard Times takes a look back at a classic album, some of which are easier to find through a cursory Google search…
SALEM, Ore. — Metalhead and biology lab technician Chris Mathes once again cut the fingertips off his safety gloves despite the risk of contamination and…
DETROIT – Metalhead Drew Fronski used his one and only phone call from the county jail to get one last unprovoked jab in at the…
DETROIT — Local metalhead, 36-year-old Denny Brokum, is reportedly willing to admit that he hasn’t heard of the band Scatological Wasteland but is confident that…
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local metal band, Reluctant Cannibal, announced they will exclusively perform at venues that mandate the donning of chain wallets for every patron,…
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Metalhead Tyler Cobb was the only patron to behave with respect and civility at airport bar Buster’s, while sporting a Cattle Decapitation…
AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Local nü-metal band Hog Washer can’t decide which of the countless butthole puns they thought of over the last six months…
PITTSBURGH — Local attorney and hair metal fanatic Rourke Caldwell asked a jury this morning to consider the “landmark case of Roth v. Hagar” when…
TAMPA, Fla. — Ronnie “The Neck” Garefino, the virtuoso guitarist for the speed metal band Fisting Frankenstein, is admittedly “totally clueless” when it comes to…