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Tour Dates on Back of Metalhead’s Shirt Also His Alibi

PORTLAND, Maine — Police were forced to drop all charges against local metalhead Bryant Newman after Newman was able to use the shirt he purchased at a Vulgar Chaos show as his airtight alibi, local officials confirmed.

“There is no way I could have started the fire in that church,” Bryant explained, pointing to a series of dates listed on the back of his t-shirt. “Because on April 14th of this year Vulgar Chaos played Geno’s Rock Club and there was no way I was going to miss that. And on February 2nd, someone threw a brick through a Starbucks window. I was seeing Acid Castle at the State Theatre, so it clearly couldn’t have been me, and I have the shirt to back that one up as well.”

Police begrudgingly admitted that they had possibly caught the wrong guy.

“There is a whole series of unsolved vandalism and petty larceny that we were pretty certain was done by the person in question,” Detective Cecilia Color said in a statement. “It seems that every time something bad happens in this town, Mr. Newman can provide a concert t-shirt to prove his whereabouts on the night of the crime. We know someone spray-painted ‘ACAB’ on the Elm Street overpass, but apparently Mr. Newman had traveled to Boston to see a musical act called ‘Flesh Shrines’ the night before the graffiti appeared. We are doing our due diligence to ensure that these so-called band are real and that Mr. Newman didn’t print these shirts himself. I mean… ‘Flesh Shrines?’ That can’t be real.”

Fashion and style consultant Horace Whilmer insisted that clothing has many purposes outside of the standard.

“Throughout history, clothing has always served alternative uses. From the humble wash-rag to, perhaps, a sail for someone stranded at sea. Wherein animals use bright colors to discourage predators, the vulgar graphics on Mr. Newman’s heavy metal shirts definitely warn people to stay away,” Horace said outside the venue for his most recent clothing line launch. “I think using a t-shirt as an alibi is truly inventive and magnificent. The shirt serves not only as a protective and expressive item, but now it is a social statement and an indictment of the criminal justice system as a whole. Bravo!”

As of press time, Newman stated he plans to see Feast of Jesus next Tuesday when it is believed a Molotov Cocktail will be thrown at the police station.