Hardcore Tag Archives - Page 515

Dear Scabby: How do I interpret mixed signals?

Scabby • June 7, 2019

Dear Scabby: I’m really embarrassed to admit this...but I just shat a bunch of skittles out of my womanly parts.…

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Punk Attempting to Make Cutoffs Accidentally Performs Double Amputation

Doug Francisco • June 7, 2019

AUSTIN, Texas. — Local punk Rachel Ronson inadvertently removed both of her legs just below the knee last night while…

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Undercover Cop Having Terrible Time at DIY Folk Punk Festival

Brendan Krick • June 6, 2019

LANCASTER, Pa. — Lt. Dale Sherman was reportedly “completely bummed” to be on surveillance detail last weekend at the annual…

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Loose Collection of Shitty Musicians and Drug Addicts Keep Referring to Themselves as “The Scene” for Some Reason

Patrick Coyne • June 6, 2019

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A small, unorganized local collection of punks, transients, and drug addicts with minimal artistic ability and motivation…

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Dog Most Productive Member of Punk House

Gary Doyle • June 6, 2019

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A four-year-old golden retriever named Sadie is far and away the most productive member of local…

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Woman With Four Hours to Kill Asks Man at Bar What His Band Sounds Like

Patrick Coyne • June 5, 2019

PHILADELPHIA — Local woman Juliana Azzara passed the four hours waiting for her train last night by asking a man…

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Roommate Can’t Believe Someone Would Leave Perfectly Good, Unwieldy, Impractical Organ on Street for Free

Tom Peters • June 4, 2019

AMHERST, Mass. — Local resident Minkont Cranford stunned his roommates yesterday with his acquisition of an oversized, bulky organ, discovered…

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Marijuana User Livid After Finding First Seed in Three Years

Mark Roebuck • June 4, 2019

DETROIT — Avid cannabis consumer Jake Sweeney exploded in rage today after finding a seed in his marijuana for the…

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Defensive Morrissey Fans Take Gold in Mental Gymnastics

Ben Friedman • June 4, 2019

LOS ANGELES — The International Committee for Problematic Favorites announced today that die-hard defenders of Morrissey have won the 2019…

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Rogue LANDR AI Mastering Every Song Into ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba

Doug Francisco • June 3, 2019

LOS ANGELES — The artificial intelligence algorithm behind LANDR’s audio mastering service yesterday remastered all songs it received into Chumbawamba’s…

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