EL PASO, Texas — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke faced increased scrutiny from political adversaries yesterday following accusations alleging he deleted dozens of nü-metal mp3s from his personal listening device in the late 2000s.
“This shows how far some people will go to smear a DIY, punk rock candidate for president — one who has every Fugazi record on original press vinyl, mind you,” said O’Rourke, standing on a table at a campaign stop in Iowa. “Let me be clear: I deny these accusations, as I have never even knowingly downloaded a nü-metal track, and the radio in my car is normally tuned to NPR or a local college station playing indie rock and jazz.”
Political opponents jumped on O’Rourke after hackers posted pictures of a customized menu screen from a discarded Creative Zen Mosaic mp3 player, believed to have once belonged to the congressman.
“How can any self-respecting punk trust him?” said Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican who defeated O’Rourke in 2018. “There’s an entire folder on Beto’s private listening device called ‘Sick Fuckin’ R/M’ — there’s a deliberate misspelling of ‘fucking’ there. If that’s not clear evidence of a nü-metal listener, I don’t know what is. When I ran against him, we ran a values-based campaign, and key among those values were never secretly enjoying a rap and metal fusion,” Once you get outside of the big cities, the only musical fusion real Americans like is country and western.”
With suspicion swirling, the O’Rourke campaign released an additional statement this morning distancing themselves from the brewing scandal.
“Congressman O’Rourke categorically denies these outlandish smears. The only sickness Beto has ever been down with is getting health care for all Americans,” read the release.
Despite the trouble, at least one of O’Rourke’s competitors in the Democratic primary came to the beleaguered congressman’s defense.
“I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about Beto’s damn mp3 files,” said Sen. Bernie Sanders. “Quite frankly, I believe the American people are sick of it, too. Furthermore, if the Congressman enjoys overproduced, early 21st-century disposable cock rock, then that’s his business and his alone.”