BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign speech held in vacant hotel…
Listen here, poser. You think you know this band? Really? What, you started listening to them six weeks ago? And now you’re happy to be…
CHICAGO — Impish, iconoclastic musician Björk utterly vanished in plain sight last night after allegedly being tricked into uttering “kröjb” aloud during her concert, several…
MARRAKESH, Morocco — An archaeological discovery made outside of Marrakesh yesterday places the extinction of punk rock at roughly 8,000 B.C.E., stunned researchers confirmed. The…
NORTON, Ohio — Pop-punk trio Stutter Step were stranded alongside I-76 early this morning after their tour bus quit the band to go back to…
EPHRATA, Penn. — 79-year-old grandmother Patti Leinbach was, for the first time ever, completely indifferent about her grandson Pete’s music career, sources at a weekend…
BOSTON — Pop-punk singer Gavin Blue is preparing for an upcoming cold snap by wearing three tank tops at once to try to stay warm,…
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Upon reaching the final round of famed television game show “The Price is Right,” punk David Klein admitted his hope that the…
IRVINE, Calif. — Turtle Rock Elementary 5th-grader and admitted music snob Brandon Mosley insisted on Friday that he prefers “Weird Al” Yankovic’s non-parody works, according…
RIDGEWOOD, N.J. — Post-hardcore outfit Senses Fail announced plans today to add several seminars during their upcoming record release tour to highlight the importance of…
GRIMES, Iowa — Heavy metal fans from around the world flocked to a sleepy Des Moines, Iowa suburb last weekend to see a puddle of…
SAN DIEGO — Local punk Kelsey Hernandez insisted yet again today that her new, non-punk boyfriend is “more of a loose cannon than he appears,”…
NEW ORLEANS — Local goth Peter “Draven” McGinty, burdened by his age and weight, has surgically removed his lower two ribs to alleviate his struggles…
NEW YORK — Local woman Angela Lefler experienced an unending cycle of self-loathing and regret last night after her post-date text message did not receive…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The California Department of Food and Agriculture approved a program yesterday allowing nü-metal scientists to test potential gene manipulation of indigenous KoЯn,…