ROCHESTER, N.Y. — The only working toilet in local punk house The Mooseknuckle is simply a litter box following a breakdown in plumbing weeks ago,…
CINCINNATI — Devoted “Deadhead” Mason Print simply does not understand that other bands besides The Grateful Dead exist, despite numerous efforts to introduce him to…
WASHINGTON — General chaos and disorder continues to plague every level of the political process during the 2020 election cycle, confirms an independent investigation that…
POMONA, Calif. — Indie punk band The Immoralities’ latest vinyl album allegedly contains no download code, forcing fans to perform the arduous task of actually…
LAWRENCE, Kan. — Comedy maven and respectable drummer Darrel Reynolds sent his bandmates into laughing fits yesterday by asking his math rock band Alcoholy Water…
NEW YORK — Trans millennial Natalie Martinez realized this morning that the overlapping timing of their second puberty with pop culture’s 20-year nostalgia cycle has…
ATLANTA — Emergency Medical Technician Avery Jamison searched through his Spotify playlist for several minutes yesterday before administering chest compressions to a civilian going through…
LAS VEGAS – Outspoken former UFC Featherweight and Lightweight Champion Conor McGregor shocked the world by expressing his openness to fighting legendary ex-Black Flag frontman…
OSLO, Norway — The brand new, all-black metal streaming platform “Corpsify +” is responsible for the brutal deaths of eight Norwegian black metal fans, despite…
SAN DIEGO — Junior designer Lewis Cooper allegedly accidentally contaminated his entire office with the deadly coronavirus yesterday, thanks to his fear of calling in…
LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal legends Mötley Crüe, preparing for an upcoming reunion tour, admitted today that they are excited to introduce their iconic catalogue…
WASHINGTON — Presidential hopeful, and supposed socialist, Bernie Sanders selfishly won his third state during the democratic primary and seems completely unwilling to share the…
WORCESTER, Mass. — Local straight edge man Matt Parrish reportedly thinks that his girlfriend of eight months is only interested in him for his clean,…
CHICAGO — Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg admitted yesterday that, in times of quiet reflection, he often daydreams about ordering the first openly LGBTQ drone…
LANCASTER, Pa. — Local woman and Three Days Grace Family Care Clinic patient Wendy Adair was instructed yesterday by her nü-metal doctor to open her…