LANSING, Mich. — Local 13-year-old Malcolm Woods’ attempt at drunken debauchery last night ended in disappointment after realizing the bottle of vodka he stole from…
BALTIMORE — Touring garage-rock band Bananther reportedly made bassist Mike Sutherland order off the Denny’s kids’ menu in an effort to cut spending costs after…
DETROIT — Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden admitted he is considering current president Donald Trump as a potential running mate in his bid for the presidency…
PEORIA, Ill. — Legendary street punk band The Drain Cloggers’ re-release of their seminal 2000 album, “The Ship’s Sinking and We’re Stuck in the Bathroom,”…
NAZARETH, Pa. — Local teen Brian Miller found his father’s old stash of Playboys while snooping through the garage late last night and is now…
KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red chewing gum yesterday to distract…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected…
DENVER — A controversial new study conducted by “a gaggle of lame-ass dorks with like, basically two followers or whatever” erroneously claimed that there is…
SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and putrid couch cushion will be…
NEW YORK — Local punk Johnny Tolbert’s extensive record of good deeds and “random acts of kindness” are all simply court-mandated, law enforcement officials confirmed.…
TOLEDO, Ohio — A local punk church celebrated the addition of a new stained glass window today, commemorating the ultimate sacrifice made by 34-year-old Rosie…
CLEVELAND — Involuntarily celibate churchgoer Donald Bates resolved today that, in observance of Lent, he will abstain from all sexual interaction, changing absolutely nothing about…
OSLO, Norway — Local black metal frontman “Iscariot” allegedly saw nothing but his own shallow reflection in a Rorschach test administered yesterday by a psychiatrist,…
DETROIT — Local woman and anxiety-haver Amanda Hamilton was spotted yesterday weighing all possible options for her evening plans before ultimately deciding to do nothing…
AUSTIN, Texas — Austin native Trevor Conley lamented the sudden cancelation of SXSW claiming the long-running tech, music, and film fest used to draw much…