Covid-19 Tag Archives - Page 11

concert, outdoors, drive-in, cars, social distancing

Opening Band Plays to Crowd of Their Own Cars at Drive-In Show

Bobby Korec • July 2, 2020

BOSTON — Longtime opening band English Degrees played to a crowd of their own vehicles at a local drive-in show…

Local Nurse Assures Bored Friend That DIY Bang Trim Nothing to Worry About

Krissy Howard • June 29, 2020

MARION, Ill. — Local nurse Ginnie Strathmore assured her friend Katie Nguyen this morning that the hacked-up, DIY haircut she…

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stimulus check, online, shopping, money, covid-19

Hypothetical Second Stimulus Check Already Spent

Courtney Baka • June 25, 2020

CHICAGO — Local woman Bethany Cordova has already spent her non-existent, second potential $1200 government stimulus check after hearing that…

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snl, lorne michaels, coronavirus, covid-19

SNL Admits Allowing Coronavirus to Host Show in 2018 Was a Mistake

Ted Pillow • June 22, 2020

NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly…

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Laid-Off Sound Guy Perpetually Fucking With Television Volume

John Dixon • June 22, 2020

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Laid-off sound engineer Logan Green is constantly adjusting the volume levels of his television in order…

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Friend Celebrating Birthday at Home in Quarantine Still Manages to Start Drunken Fight and Lose Shoe

Sari Beliak • June 13, 2020

MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Local woman Frankie Landis exceeded all her previous birthday expectations by somehow still managing to start a…

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Pussy-Ass Doctor Wears Mask During Surgery

Cory Cousins • June 12, 2020

DALLAS — Patients at Dallas General Hospital learned yesterday that Dr. Graham Alder, one of the facility’s most trusted surgeons,…

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screenplay, first date, annoying, boring, covid-19

Casual References to “My Screenplay” During First Dates Projected to Skyrocket by 2021

Anya Volz • June 8, 2020

LOS ANGELES — Startling new models released today predict a massive spike in potential lovers subjecting their first dates to…

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Skyrim ‘Pandemic Update’ Increases Shout Damage by 1,000 Percent

Connor McGarry • May 30, 2020

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Bethesda Softworks announced a new “Pandemic Update” for their hit RPG, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, in…

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Hydroxychloroquine Transforms President Trump Into Cool Alter Ego “Donny Love”

Alex Salcido • May 30, 2020

WASHINGTON — President Trump’s experimental use of the anti-malarial drug Hydroxychloroquine has transformed the Commander-in-Chief from a boorish, morbidly obese,…

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