HUMPTULIPS, Wash. — Local “rise and grinder” Jake Munchen is reportedly trying to break into the venue security career field by practicing crossing his arms…
DULUTH, Minn. — Professional sound technician Greg Thornton released an exasperated and rambling statement confirming that he also doesn’t understand why his presence would be…
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Touring band Dwight Zombie made a last-minute stop in Memphis early yesterday afternoon for the sole purpose of relieving their bowels before…
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s newest iPhone operating system, iOS 16, includes a predictive text feature that allegedly recognizes when the user is being invited to…
NEW YORK — Members of Racked Brain returned from a weekend “tour” and immediately began telling their friends tales of a “packed and absolutely bonkers”…
CHICAGO — Piss-drunk indie pop band Belle & Sebastian spent a raucous evening tidying their hotel room at the Radisson Blu Aqua while on a…
WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in the Lion’s Club seconds before…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual retelling of the time he…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Struggling punk band Sucks To Be You revealed that they were at wits’ end after years of living drink ticket to drink…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Dan Levitton, lead vocalist for touring hardcore band Weekend Proposal, told the “motherfuckers” in the back to “just, like, shut up for…
BOSTON — 34-year-old Ryan Conway was seemingly unaware that the similarly aged couple he was talking with throughout the night were just there to chaperone…
NEW YORK — Masked poser Cecilia Munoz was relieved she didn’t have to pretend to know the words at a recent Turnstile show last Thursday…
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local metal band, Reluctant Cannibal, announced they will exclusively perform at venues that mandate the donning of chain wallets for every patron,…
NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — 62-year-old Larry Dang’s intensely positive description of a Rush show he attended in 1983 suggests that he is suffering from Stockholm…
BALTIMORE — Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Medical Center recently performed the first successful procedure to physiologically affix classic rock fan Denny Clainsborough’s girlfriend, Jill, atop…