ARLINGTON, Va. — Local restaurant the Green Garden began serving mocktails which are perfect for the person who doesn’t want to drink, but still wants…
MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his…
DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in…
SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on…
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck to the floor in a…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — A new report out of Stanford University reported that 70% of the average punk’s hydration is sourced from the melted ice…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his…
WASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior…
CHICAGO — Punk dad Paul Bourne was briefly overcome by a wave of nostalgia for his reckless life before kids after seeing a carefree man…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local bartender Zack Kenton, 28, reportedly used the same three adjectives to describe at least seventeen of the bar’s signature beers, leading…
BOSTON — Recently sober man, Brad McBride, is consuming non-alcoholic beers with a ruthlessness comparable to the way he used to consume alcoholic beers, worried…
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local stoner A.C. Dermott and alcoholic friend Jessie Brown reportedly met up on Friday to crack a few cold ones and fire…
Too poor to go to the bar but still want to damage your insides slowly with distilled poison? Good News! The liquor store is great…
RICHMOND, Va. — House party attendee Davey Singleton can’t quite put his finger on why the two Wendy’s Baconators and seven beers he consumed in…