Charles Bill
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ARLINGTON, Va. — Local restaurant the Green Garden began serving mocktails which are perfect for the person who doesn’t want…
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Sarah Cortina
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MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who…
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Dan Kozuh
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DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many…
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SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle…
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Steve Packosky
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CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local…
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Shane Pauker
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OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck…
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Sarah Cortina
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PALO ALTO, Calif. — A new report out of Stanford University reported that 70% of the average punk’s hydration is…
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Ben Friedman
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MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored…
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Trevor Graham
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WASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if…
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Matt Husser
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CHICAGO — Punk dad Paul Bourne was briefly overcome by a wave of nostalgia for his reckless life before kids…
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