LAKEWOOD, Calif. — Aging punk Lilo Omed claimed today that the best way to keep his penis erect is not by consuming over-the-counter pills, but…
BELLEVUE, Wash. — Local 25-year-old man Ryan Mills purchased a medium-sized “Let Russ Cook” Seattle Seahawks T-shirt yesterday, unaware that this will be the last…
LOS ANGELES — Local caregiver Sheila Hart apologized to the patrons and staff at the Van Nuys Party City earlier today after a person under…
QUEENS, N.Y. — Aging metalhead Greg “Nailgun” Dellarose has replaced the patches on his battle vest with his important, personal health information, including known allergies…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Executives at Neversoft, the developer behind the newly released “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2,” announced today that the latest update to…
There comes a point, typically in one’s late-twenties or early-thirties, when going out to bars every night and getting hammered just isn’t fun anymore. The…
BOSTON — 41-year-old Tommy Dawson’s once-beloved Jane Doe tattoo finished it’s transformation last week after years of fading, evolving into its final stage as the…
COSTA MESA, Calif. — Local man Nate Mullins, a self-described “punker” and the world’s youngest Pennywise fan, turned 40 years old earlier this week, sources…
SALT LAKE CITY — Longtime Imagine Dragons fan Katie Graham celebrated her 11th birthday this week with a dull celebration modeled after her favorite band’s…
LOS ANGELES — Tired, aging 31-year-old punk David Kresner was relieved when police arrived at a record release show last night, prematurely ending the concert…
It’s hard to believe that Bright Eyes’ “Fevers and Mirrors” was released almost 20 years ago. It’s even harder to believe that upon revisiting this…
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — 28-year-old scene veteran Emilio Diaz surprised partiers at a house show pre-game party last night when he suggested they all forego taping…
REVERE, Mass. — Misguided 43-year-old street punk Martin “Peanut” Landers announced today that he will be upping his cigarette intake to help himself lose 15…
STAFFORD, Texas — 59-year-old custom bathroom tile salesman John Canales was shocked to learn from his punk son yesterday that he would be 413 in…
BISMARCK, N.D. — A group of local aging punks gathered outside of a show at The Railyard Tavern early yesterday evening, sharing what they believed…