DALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to Southwest Dallas…
SANTA FE, N.M. — Ana Sutton, a 38-year-old musician who is currently on tour, recently changed all the demands in her rider to “enough chairs…
Recent clips of Frankie Valli performing at the age of 90 have reignited the conversation about elder abuse in this country. While celebrity cases shine…
PITTSBURGH – Aging metalhead Derek Vance made the mistake of trying to slip into his wedding battle vest to celebrate his 25 year anniversary with…
TONAWANDA, N.Y. — 39-year-old Kyle Lowe recently began a new and horrifying phase of his adulthood where he now almost exclusively begins any interaction by…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local 39-year-old punk Martin Brown finally succumbed to a pair of plush slip-on Skechers walking shoes after years of wearing Doc Martens,…
PHILADELPHIA– A group of local concertgoers in their late 30s were spotted this past weekend excitedly passing around a little baggie of ear plugs they…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — A hot new startup company just launched a revolutionary weather app for aging punks that lets you know if it’s cold…
BIG FLATTS, N.Y. — 51-year-old nu-metal fan Ricky Clud recently expressed that Saliva’s early 2000s classic “Click Click Boom” was the secret to getting hyped…
AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Bryce Horn is preparing for doomsday by backing up his collection of “rare” MP3s to an external hard drive amid…
Hey, you. Yeah, the guy with black square-frame glasses and skinny jeans. Sorry, I was just minding my own business, enjoying the show, when I…
New York — Local thirty-something punk Charles Murray is unable to settle on an official complaint about this year’s Fest, indecisive sources confirmed. “I go…
GUILFORD, Conn. — 36-year-old punk Finn Birch is reportedly telling everyone about the show he went to this weekend, with roughly 90 percent of his…
FALL RIVER, Mass. — Local 37-year-old punk Ryan Foley realized he had inadvertently abstained from drugs and alcohol long enough to be considered straight edge,…
CENTRALIA, Wash. — Avid metal fan Andrew Rostburgh is plagued by recurring horrifying dreams in which he’s accidentally naked and, worse, must endure three opening…