PITTSBURGH – Aging metalhead Derek Vance made the mistake of trying to slip into his wedding battle vest to celebrate his 25 year anniversary with…
TONAWANDA, N.Y. — 39-year-old Kyle Lowe recently began a new and horrifying phase of his adulthood where he now almost exclusively begins any interaction by…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local 39-year-old punk Martin Brown finally succumbed to a pair of plush slip-on Skechers walking shoes after years of wearing Doc Martens,…
PHILADELPHIA– A group of local concertgoers in their late 30s were spotted this past weekend excitedly passing around a little baggie of ear plugs they…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — A hot new startup company just launched a revolutionary weather app for aging punks that lets you know if it’s cold…
AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Bryce Horn is preparing for doomsday by backing up his collection of “rare” MP3s to an external hard drive amid…
New York — Local thirty-something punk Charles Murray is unable to settle on an official complaint about this year’s Fest, indecisive sources confirmed. “I go…
GUILFORD, Conn. — 36-year-old punk Finn Birch is reportedly telling everyone about the show he went to this weekend, with roughly 90 percent of his…
FALL RIVER, Mass. — Local 37-year-old punk Ryan Foley realized he had inadvertently abstained from drugs and alcohol long enough to be considered straight edge,…
CENTRALIA, Wash. — Avid metal fan Andrew Rostburgh is plagued by recurring horrifying dreams in which he’s accidentally naked and, worse, must endure three opening…
LOS ANGELES — Members of Blink-182 were hurriedly escorted off stage just as they played the final notes of their set in order to make…
BRICK TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local punk Andy Chambers was seen shaking his head in frustration after a Costco employee marked his receipt without so much…
SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — 38-year-old Jason Andrews recently came to the conclusion that his most revered album of the year was none other than Spotify’s…