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Losing Job Just the Sort of Push Woman Needed to Start Cassette Label

HAMMOND, Ind. — Noise musician Elaine McCulloch’s recent unemployment following her ungraceful exit from a line cook position at a local charcuterie pub is the “perfect incentive” to start a DIY cassette tape label, sources close to the entrepreneur confirmed.

“Sometimes, a moment comes along that really makes you take inventory of what’s important and what’s not,” said McCulloch. “For example — starting the tape label of my dreams? Important. Listening to my bitch-ass manager accuse me of stealing margarita mix? Not so fucking important. I have big plans. You watch. This will be so popular, next year’s car models will have tape decks again just to play my releases. Take that to the bank.”

While the newly-minted Bandcamp page for Desolate Dissolution Records is currently empty of releases, the page describes the label’s projected ethos as a “rejection of capitalist ideals,” a “commitment to sick design quality,” and “getting the office one of those tiny refrigerators with a keg in it.”

Those close to McCulloch, however, are skeptical.

“I mean, it’s cool she’s so stoked after being fired,” said Lara Vargas, McCulloch’s former co-worker at the Prancing Pig. “But I wonder if she can actually make all her investment money back in the first financial quarter, like she said — she still owes me for spotting her rent after ‘investing’ in Stza’s cryptocurrency, ‘Leftover Coin.’”

 

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Meanwhile, local cassette label CEO James Lebeau offered some sage advice to McCulloch.

“Don’t. Just don’t,” said Lebeau. “If I had a time machine, the first thing I’d do is go back to four months ago, and tell myself to go back to school.”

Sources in McCulloch’s apartment building noted mail deliveries of over 500 empty Norelco cassette tape boxes, along with several sheets of blank J-cards, a custom-made Desolate Dissolution Records banner, and nearly half-a-dozen unpaid utility bills.

“I guess I went a little overboard with the blanks… but I scored some extra cash when the cops came looking for Pauly at the bar last month, and the boss let me keep all his tips,” McCulloch said, sketching out a potential insert design on the back of a letter from the local electric company. “I dug up a couple old Walkmans from the basement — gonna just dub on those ‘til the money starts flowing in, and I can get a real nice duplicator when my aunt dies or something.”

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