Press "Enter" to skip to content

Gaping Hole in Life Momentarily Filled With Purchase of Band Shirt

TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Collin Pike very briefly filled the gaping hole of emptiness in his life by impulsively buying a band shirt he was served an ad for on social media, sources who didn’t look up from their phone report.

“So there I was just sitting and scrolling through Instagram for hours on end in a feeble attempt to just feel anything when suddenly I saw an ad for a repress of an old Green Day shirt I’ve always wanted,” said Pike, a 42-year-old account manager. “It was the ‘Kerplunk’ shirt, you know the one with the girl holding the gun? I Instantly clicked buy now and bought it (with express shipping) and for a depressingly short time period the wave of dopamine hit my system and helped me to briefly forget what a meaningless barren shell my life has become.”

His wife reports however that Collin’s shirt-buying habit may have an unforeseen downside.

“He does this all the time. He stays up late looking at his phone and buying random shirts from bands he liked when he was young,” said Molly Pike. “It’s become such a common thing for him that our closet is over-flowing band shirts. Last week he bought a Goatsnake shirt, Seriously, who is even listening to Goatsnake in 2023? And the worst part is instead of finding a fulfilling hobby or maybe even a job he doesn’t hate, he just keeps buying band shirts.”

Addiction expert Marla Cohen says for some breaking the cycle of the quick euphoric feeling from buying band shirts can be almost impossible to overcome.

“The phenomena of aging scenesters buying band shirts to try to feel something in their life has become an epidemic,” said Cohen. “My team has helped many recover from drugs including cocaine, oxycontin, and even heroin, but when it comes to sad middle-aged independent music fans buying old band shirts there really seems to be no cure. The worst part is that these record labels and music distros that push these shirts onto the public are complicit in this epidemic.”

At press time, Collin said he was trying to kick the habit of buying band shirts but had succumbed to his vices when he saw that Revelation Records had re-released the classic Champion brand Judge hoodie and he just “had to have it.”

Fill the gaping hole in your life, buy something from our store: