20. Amy Steel
She was Jason Voorhese’s first final girl, surviving by using psychology against the killer. Maybe she can use the same trick when our drummer is having one of his “lock myself in the van and cry” nights.
19. Mary Woronov
The star of such films as “Night of the Comet,” “Death Race 2000,” and “Eating Raoul” isn’t known for her scream per se, but she was also in “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” and two Suicidal Tendencies music videos so she may actually be the most experienced.
18. Ashley Laurence
As Kristy she not only solved the lament configuration but outwitted Pinhead himself not once but twice! Could she be the key to figuring out where that weird humming comes from every time we set up at Rust’s Wing Dump?
17. Vera Farmiga
We’re hoping she can do for our band what she did for Lorraine Warren—make us seem attractive and not completely full of shit.
16. Veronica Cartwright
She was in the ’70s version of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” so you know her scream is haunting as fuck, but maybe a little too one-note.
15. Olivia Hussey
One of her first big roles was starring in 1974’s “Black Christmas,” so she’s no stranger to holiday novelty projects. Plus Margo Kidder was in that movie, so she’s no stranger to working with unhinged lunatics!
14. Felissa Rose
Not only was she the star of the quintessential slasher classic “Sleepaway Camp, but” she’s also The Last Drive In’s resident mangled dick expert, which is pretty fucking metal.
13. Melissa Barrera
She’s available since she was dropped from the Scream franchise after condemning Israel’s violence in Gaza. As a publication whose Instagram account is always on the brink of deletion for the same reason, we can relate!
12. Monique Gabrielle
When a project she’s involved in isn’t going well Monique takes her clothes off to liven things up. It never worked when our former singer Trent tried it, but we have a feeling Monique might be better received, or at least have way fewer raccoon fight scars.
11. Dee Wallace
We need a lead singer who doesn’t break into our rehearsal space and sell our gear for coke, but more than that, we need a mom.
10. Heather Langenkamp
As we saw from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, Heather does some of her best thinking when she’s been up for three days on stimulants, and brother that is a far cry from our last singer.
9. Linnea Quigley
If you’ve ever seen “Return of the Living Dead” or “Night of the Demons” you know Linnea has big front-man energy. Honestly, our stages might be a little too small to handle her.
8. Maika Monroe
She helped breathe new life into the supernatural horror genre with “It Follows” and more recently did the same for the psychological thriller with “Longlegs.” Could she three-peat by taking our Halloween screamo band Suscreamia to the next level? What even is the next level for us? Maybe playing a venue that isn’t actively trying to hawk fried mac n’ cheese kickers for the whole set?
7. Daria Nicolodi
Dario Argento’s golden girl would be a big get for a “Suspiria” inspired novelty screamo band, and if you don’t understand why well, yeah, there’s a reason we’re not terribly popular.
6. Neve Campbell
Complicated history. Neve actually did sing for us for one season way back. Then when Trent came on board she sang backup for a season but felt like we didn’t pay her enough. We would have had to give her all our drink tickets, and basically buy her two more drinks, it just wasn’t sustainable so we let her go. Now that Trent has been canceled, she kinda has us by the balls.
5. Mia Goth
As the only scream queen on our list to work both sides of the knife, playing both final girl and killer in the same franchise, you know Mia Goth has range, and if she’s anything like Pearl or Maxine she’s got ambition. Maybe too much ambition actually. We’re pretty much just looking for a few bar gigs every Halloween season, not fuck and kill our way to the top of the industry.
4. Janet Leigh
Straight up scream queen royalty right here in the truest sense of the word. She not only starred in what many consider to be the first proper slasher film (“Psycho,”) but she’s the mother of all-time scream queen great Jamie Lee Curtis. She’s studied music, and she’s worked with Hitchcock so you know she has enough experience dealing with toxic men to make it in the hardcore scene.
3. Danielle Harris
If you know anything about Danielle Harris’s history with the Halloween franchise you know that she’s proven time and time again that she is willing to give 110% for an extremely minimal payoff. Without that attitude, the music industry wouldn’t exist.
2. Barbara Crampton
From “Re-animator” and “From Beyond” to “You’re Next,” if we were going to list all of Barbara Crampton’s bonafides we would be here all day. We’re talking about an absolute legend here, and yet if you look at her IMDB she’s actually said yes to dumber projects than our seasonal novelty band. We’ve got a good feeling about this one.
1. Jamie Lee Curtis
She’s unlikely to return our calls, but it is actually illegal to rank scream queens and not put Jamie Lee Curtis at #1.
Continue Reading:
1 2