1990 – The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
In 1990 kids across the country were shell-shocked for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Adults, not so much. Maybe that’s why this year your parents did not dress up for Halloween and just had regular, missionary-style sex… in the TECHNODROME!
1991 – The Terminator
Your dad wore a jacket he stole from a homeless person and they made love in a dirty cave.
1992 – Catwoman
Your parents actually didn’t fuck this Halloween. Kind of a missed opportunity! But look, sometimes real life gets in the way. Your grandmother was sick with a very aggressive cancer and that was the month she moved in with your family. It was tough on everyone watching a once vibrant woman slowly fade away.
1993 – Power Rangers
Your mom and dad had their own ideas when it came to forming the Megazord—fuckin.
1994 – The Simpsons
1994 was peak Simpsons. Is it any surprise so many couples that year dressed up as Homer and Marge for Halloween that year, and subsequently got yellow grease paint all over the sheets? Not your parents though, too pedestrian for their tastes. They got it on as Otto the bus driver and Hans Moleman.
1995 – Dumb and Dumber
They wore ridiculous tuxedoes and your dad just kept yelling ‘So you’re saying, there’s a chance!” as your mother rode him for hours.
1996 – The Spice Girls
“Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna get the image of my parents fucking both dressed as Ginger Spice out of my brain. ”
1997 – Austin Powers
We think you get the picture here, we won’t torture you with the details. We won’t remind you how your father paid top dollar for an Austin Powers costume complete with false British teeth, how he went around saying “Do I make you horny baby? Do I make you RANDY? Do I?!” to anyone who crossed his path and how cringe and uncomfortable it was and how your mom kept begging him to stop and he was all like “People love this!” when people clearly did not. We won’t remind you that in a moment of sheer stupidity, he said it to a group of trick-r-treaters and one of their parents was like “That’s my kid you sick fuck!” and almost kicked the shit out of him but your mom convinced them that he was just drunk and being stupid while he sheepishly cowered behind her on the verge of tears. We won’t get into how he spent the whole party drinking sake and saying “Sake it to me baby!” but it turned out he was allergic to sake and shit his pants and couldn’t return the costume as he planned, but he kept trying to salvage everything by doing the bit where Austin farted in the hot tub but people were like “Dude, you shit your pants, go home and change and don’t come back here, ever!” and he cried in his shitty Austin Powers pants the whole ride home and your mom felt so bad for him she tried getting on board with the whole Austin Powers bit and she was all like “Hey, come on baby, don’t be upset, let’s go shag!” and they had really bad drunk allergy sex while your dad cried with the dumb Austin Powers teeth still in his mouth. We’re not gonna paint the picture for you, relax.
1998 – Ghostface
Wes Craven released the first “Scream” in 1996, and by 1998 it was clear he had re-invented the franchise slasher movie forever. Unbeknownst to the legendary filmmaker, he had also revitalized your parents’ stale sex life. To this day their ideal date night is mom making popcorn alone in the kitchen when suddenly your dad calls her using a voice changer.
1999 – The Matrix
“If you take the red pill, you will gain a massive erection and we will make love. If you take the blue pill, you will also get an erection and make love to me. Cialis or Viagra, take your pick loser.”
2000 – Brittany Spears
Yeah okay, she was 16 at the time, but your dad was the one dressed as Brittany and your mom was the one that kept hitting him baby one more time, so it’s sort of okay? We Think?
2001- Harry Potter
They just waved wands around and said stuff like “Penis Erecticus!” all night. God your parents suck.
2002 – Spiderman
Dad had a pretty creative take on the “web shooter.” Your mom was not amused.
2003 – Jack Sparrow
How did your parents incorporate dressing up as horny pirates on Halloween night of 2003 into their love-making? The same way they do every Thursday night to this day.
2004 – Spongebob Squarepants
Their Spongebob and Patrick costumes were pretty good, but as anyone who overheard their lovemaking through the paper-thin walls of their apartment could tell you, they really weren’t familiar with the lore. Lines like “Put that squaredick in my crabby pattie,” “Gimmie that wet pineapple” and “Oh god, oh god I’m gonna squidward!” go to show your mom and dad just didn’t get it.
2005 – Darth Vader
No, it’s not 1977 again! In 2005 George Lucas finally completed his long-awaited prequel trilogy with “Revenge of the Sith,” and Darth Vader was once again the number-one choice for Halloween costumes! That’s right, we hope this doesn’t come as a shock, but on Halloween night of 2005, your father was Darth Vader! And your mom was Palpatine! And she walked him around… on a leash? And made him bark like a dog? God, have your parents even seen “Star Wars?”
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