Massachusetts
BEST: Converge
Converge enjoys a reputation as one of the leading artists in what would later be called mathcore, but they’re so much more than that. Offering a punishing blend of extreme metal and technical prowess, Converge’s cathartic rage never takes a backseat to their musicianship. Converge commands the highest level of respect from peers, journalists, and fans alike, and their live shows are nothing short of legendary. If you ever see them out in the wild you better stop and pay your respect.
WORST: Anal Cunt
We used to think Anal Cunt was cool back when we were shithead teenagers that didn’t know any better. Now that we’re older shitheads that still don’t know any better, we can clearly see that Anal Cunt was a truly awful band that should have never existed in any way, shape or form.
Michigan
BEST: Black Dahlia Murder
Once I saw Black Dahlia Murder open for Cannibal Corpse, and Black Dahlia Murder absolutely demolished Cannibal Corpse. At least I think it was Black Dahlia Murder, but now that I think about it it could have been Children of Bodom. I was pretty drunk. Either way, whoever it was totally blew Cannibal Corpse out of the water. (Rest in peace Trevor Strnad, text a friend and let them know you care for them and love them.)
WORST: King 810
King 810’s lyrics are based on the band’s violent upbringing in Flint, Michigan, begging the question: Why is it that every band from Michigan revolves around how tough it is to live in Michigan? Do they big time other Michiganers about it the way they always do to the rest of us? Also, why is Michigan split into two gigantic pieces?
Minnesota
BEST: Atrum Inritus
Minneapolis’ Atrum Inritus has a major leg up on other North American black metal bands on account of the state’s overabundance of frost, months of darkness of every winter, and the fact that Minnesota features more Scandinavians per capita than Scandinavia itself.
WORST: Obsequiae
This castle-metal band has admitted that they can’t play their instruments without eating at least one turkey leg each from the local Renaissance faire. We also bet they call servers “Wenches,” which is unbelievably lame.
Mississippi
BEST: Robert Johnson
Robert Johnson may not be metal in the traditional sense, but he did teach us that all you have to do to achieve your wildest dreams is to sell your soul to the Devil at the Crossroads. And frankly that’s pretty metal. Plus Johnson’s delta blues recordings formed a template that countless artists would appropriate for decades thereafter, sort of like the Black Sabbath of his time.
WORST: Atomship
Atomship barely qualifies as a metal band, let’s make that clear. The only reason they made the list is that it’s easy to picture random townies headbanging to “Pencil Fight” when it came on the radio. Which of course never happened. The song was also featured in a NASCAR video game, which as we all know is the Mississippi equivalent of winning a Grammy.
Missouri
BEST: Coalesce
Coalesce’s fingerprints are all over the metalcore and mathcore genres, and for good reason. Their tumultuous history saw them constantly breaking up and reuniting, and several tours canceled for various personal, technical, and financial reasons. None of that stopped Coalesce from becoming one of the most influential underground metal bands of the 1990s and early 2000s, however, which probably wasn’t nearly as lucrative as it was for the much bigger, more well-known bands that they influenced.
WORST: Eat Me Raw
Eat Me Raw’s discography consisted of 26 songs, none of which had to do with cunnilingus. Considering how many metal songs were written about blowjobs, particularly in the ‘80s, we consider this a huge missed opportunity.
Montana
BEST: Angry Reacts Only
Don’t let their terrible name fool you, as Angry Reacts Only is an insanely heavy band. They’re like a comically bad impression of death metal that somehow got it right. Now if they could only change their name to some impossible-to-pronounce disease that nobody will ever spell right, they’ll really be in business.
WORST: Universal Choke Sign
Imagine you’re in a foreign country and you forget what the universal choking sign is. Imagine if you did so while actually choking on a local delicacy. Now imagine if you went to Google to learn what the universal choke sign was, and, rather than getting a practical piece of life-saving information, you spent your last moments on earth reading about a forgettable nu-metal band with kind of a cool name. It might not be the most dignified death we’ve heard of, but it’s certainly not the worst.
Nebraska
BEST: Cellador
We know we know, Cellador is a power metal band. But you should give them a try anyway. Besides, they’re not the “dressing up like Medieval chumps” kind of power metal band, but rather the kind that has short hair, goatees, and lame leather jackets. Come to think of it, we’re not sure if that’s any better or not.
WORST: Paria
Paria is one of those mathcore bands where it feels like they wanted to show off their techniques rather than writing songs that people actually like and care about.
Nevada
BEST: Slaughter
Slaughter’s debut album was released in 1990, on the tail end of the glam rock era. Despite being relatively late to the party, Slaughter’s “Up All Night” and “Fly to the Angels” were solid singles that satisfied the genre’s requirement of one banger and one ballad. As such, Slaughter’s songs have enjoyed frequent rotation at construction sites, garages, and factories across the country ever since.
Worst: Five Finger Death Punch
Have you ever seen a photo of these guys? Just checking, because holy shit. They look like they went dumpster diving behind Criss Angel’s house. And who told them that wearing octopi as beards was a good idea? Yikes. With a discography of songs only a pro wrestling fan could love, this band is truly embarrassing. We also think they’re total narcs and bet at least one of them is a cop, so watch it.
New Hampshire
BEST: Candy Striper Death Orgy
Despite their dumb name, Candy Striper Death Orgy is the kind of old school thrash band that makes us want to make tough-looking faces and walk angrily in circles as we nod our heads. And that’s just the way we like it.
WORST: Our Last Night
The 2000s trend where metal bands covered pop songs was cool for exactly three seconds before it was played out and tired, and a lot of Our Last Night’s gimmick involved doing just that. Not only that, they foolishly covered Dancing Queen instead of deeper ABBA cut like “Lay All Your Love on Me” or “Does Your Mother Know,” thus exposing themselves as complete and total posers.
New Jersey
BEST: Danzig
Rising from the ashes of seminal horror rock bands Misfits and Samhain, Danzig exploded onto the scene in 1988 with a self-titled debut that spawned the Beavis and Butthead-aided hit single “Mother.” Glenn Danzig’s yawning Elvis-on-steroids vocal approach, mixed with soulful blues guitar, squealing pinch harmonics, and the scariest logo in history afforded the band a credibility that many bands would have killed for. Men around the world still worship at the altar of Danzig, despite the fact that their girlfriends have pleaded with them for years to grow up and get a life.
WORST: Danzig
Like The Smiths’ Morrissey, Danzig fans stopped defending his shittiness decades ago. Once he began his “I listen to bad industrial metal while wearing leather fishnet t-shirts” phase, which continues to this day, fans were out. And with a string of shamefully incompetent movies, comic books, and cover albums to his name, these days the only thing more embarrassing than Danzig’s last project is his next one.