New Mexico
BEST: Femme Fatale
There’s something genuine about Femme Fatale that’s hard to put a finger on, as they’re more or less a garden variety ‘80s glam band. But they’re catchy as hell, have a sweet guitar tone, and their song “Touch and Go” was in “License to Drive.” Which is a somewhat underrated ‘80s movie where hilarity ensues after Cory Haim is too afraid to reveal to his crush that he failed his driver’s test, despite the fact that he’s already told her he’ll pick her up tonight for their big date!
WORST: Kryoburn
Kryoburn was an industrial metal band from Carlsbad, New Mexico. They were at it long enough to release two albums that were significant enough to earn them a Wikipedia page, it seems. That said, their Wikipedia page talks about how in 2009 they updated their Myspace page with material from a then-upcoming album, which removes any shadow of a doubt that Kryoburn are the ones maintaining Kryoburn’s Wikipedia page.
New York
BEST: Type O Negative
Type O Negative’s songs featured heavier-than-the-universe dirges that slowly progressed through a gothic symphony of romantic longing. They usually included a few atmospheric minutes of sound effects like birds chirping and water running for good measure, as well. For over 20 years the Brooklyn-based quartet released critically acclaimed albums that were complex, ironic, and larger than life; not unlike bass player, vocalist, and primary songwriter Peter Steele. Sadly Steele passed away in 2010, leaving fans mourning the loss of one of metal’s most unique figures. But on the bright side, he showed his giant hog in Playgirl once and it’s totally all over the internet if you want to go look at it.
Worst: Manowar
What can you say about Manowar that hasn’t already been said about Joe Rogan? The band is outdated, desperate for relevancy, and a good example of how quickly unchecked testosterone can become toxic. Manowar has embarrassed the good people of Auburn, New York since 1980, offering up lame power metal anthems catered to insufferable loincloth-bound incels that take their metal way too seriously.
North Carolina
BEST: Wednesday 13
You might not have heard of Wednesday 13, but you probably have also not heard of the Murderdolls, his side-project with Slipknot drummer Joey Jordison. At least you’ve probably heard of Slipknot, if nothing else. The bulk of the Murderdolls’ debut record was composed of material that Wednesday had written years prior for his excellent trashy glam project The Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13. Wednesday 13 is cut from the same cloth from similar spooky metal artists like Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson, but without all the self-seriousness. Why this guy isn’t in the Hot Topic Hall of Fame, we’ll never know.
WORST: Corrosion of Conformity
We’re not saying that Corrosion of Conformity is bad, we’re saying that we don’t know what the hell they’re all about. They have so many albums it’s impossible to know where to start. One minute someone tells us to start with their ‘80s hardcore punk stuff, then it’s the thrashy stuff, and then before you know it they’re a stoner metal band? While we want to give Corrosion of Conformity the benefit of the doubt, frankly we’re tired and just aren’t up to the task of figuring them out.
North Dakota
BEST: Shotgun Facelift
There are only two documented metal bands in the history of North Dakota. The better of the two is Shotgun Facelift, who also has a name that sounds cool at first, but the more we think about the lamer it becomes.
WORST: Hands
Hands is North Dakota’s other metal band, and while they’re definitely decent, we like Shotgun Facelift more.
Ohio
BEST: Sanguisugabogg
Sanguisugabogg wins best metal band from Ohio for their groundbreaking technique of incorporating the illegible nature of death metal logos directly into the band name itself.
WORST: Charred Walls of the Damned
Featuring Akron’s own Tim “Ripper” Owens, whose life story was made into the Hollywood biopic Rock Star, Charred Walls of the Damned is pretty forgettable considering it features members of Death, Testament, and Judas Priest. But then again, Owens was never in Judas Priest at the same time as Rob Halford, so it all makes perfect sense.
Oklahoma
BEST: Crooked X
Crooked X was made up of high schoolers, and after coming in second place on a contest run by CBS’s “The Early Show” they were signed to both EMI and Capitol Records. They opened up for a bunch of big bands, played on “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, and even got a few songs into Rock Band. Eventually Crooked X made the questionable decision to call it quits so they could finish high school like a bunch of squares.
WORST: Outline in Color
Outline in Color is a perfectly fine post-hardcore band, but considering they come from the Tulsa Massacre state they should read the room and choose a more culturally sensitive band name.
Oregon
BEST: Bewitcher
Bewitcher is Oregon’s premier blackened speed metal band. But more importantly, they’re the only metal band in Oregon’s history that isn’t doom, sludge, drone, stoner, or any of those other metal genres that pretend they aren’t all the same thing. While their victory is a technicality, a technical victory is still a victory as far as we’re concerned. And if that isn’t enough to convince you Bewitcher is the best metal band from Oregon, go listen to “Satanic Magick Attack” and then come back to tell us how wrong you were.
WORST: He Whose Ox is Gored
He Whose Ox is Gored features more than one band member, so we’re not sure whose ox is gored, or whether whose ox is gored is part of the band or not. Maybe their songs are about he whose ox is gored? In any case, all of this reminds us of The Lone Rangers from Airheads, in which the band was ridiculed for their moronic name that barely made any sense.
Pennsylvania
BEST: Code Orange
Giving Crooked X a run for their money, Code Orange was also formed in high school. However Code Orange managed to presumably still graduate high school without dissolving the band like a bunch of squares. And because of that, we’ve been treated to a hard-hitting blend of hardcore punk and industrial metal music for nearly 15 years. Code Orange copied the blueprint of nu-metal, took out the “look how much of a freak I am within my otherwise normal world” that tends to bog the genre down, and turned it into a much more direct, in your face version that makes us want to paint our fingernails black and go headbang at the mall.
WORST: Poison
Anyone who accidentally ingests“Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” “Nothin’ But a Good Time,” “Unskinny Bop,” or any of other of Poison’s songs should immediately consult a physician. If the listener has stopped breathing, call 911, and if they are stable please call the National Poison Helpline at 1-800-222-1222 to find out what to do next.
Rhode Island
BEST: Vital Remains
Vital Remains have been staples of the death metal scene since their formation in 1988, including a stint with death metal legend Glen Benton (Deicide) on vocals. Put on any song from their catalog and you’re sure to have your face melted off. One word of warning however: Vital Remains operates on “island time” like the rest of Rhode Island, so their shows have been known to begin as many as four hours late. Please plan accordingly if you intend to see them live.
WORST: Kilgore
Back in the 1990s there was an independent wrestling company named ECW, and ECW was known to play big popular metal songs on its TV show without ever licensing the right to do so. So when it came time to release a music compilation featuring songs from the show, they turned to cover songs by smaller, much more affordable artists. Included among those artists was Kilgore, whose cover of Pantera’s “Walk” is the probably the only reason anyone knows who they are at all. That same album also featured Zebrahead covering Metallica’s “Enter Sandman,” but with Lemmy of all people on vocals, so do with that information what you will.
South Carolina
BEST: Nile
Nile is our undisputed and undefeated heavyweight champion of the South Carolinian metal scene. Featuring jovial white southerners playing punishingly heavy death metal inspired by ancient Egypt, Nile is also one of the strangest examples of cultural appropriation in recent memory.
WORST: Souls Harbor
Souls Harbor was formed on a boat. That’s right landlubbers, the band was formed on the USS John F. Kennedy while their members served as part of the United States Marine Corp. After paying their dues on the supercarrier’s local metal scene they set out for land, where we wish they would have just turned right back around and stayed at sea.