Hawaii
BEST: Rat Attack
The word ‘Hawaii’ brings to mind images of relaxation, calmness, and serenity. None of that will you find from Rat Attack. Their 1983 self-titled LP features a blistering speed metal attack reminiscent of Metallica’s “Kill ‘Em All,” but with a grimier, crustier mix. A second full-length record was planned, however the astronomical price of importing fancy recording equipment to the remote Pacific island was too much to shoulder and the band broke up.
WORST: Hawaii
Despite their totally sweet and original name, Hawaii (the band) is by far the worst metal band to come from Hawaii (the state). It’s worth noting that the band featured future Megadeth staple Marty Friedman, years before he disappeared in Japan, never to be seen or heard from again.
Idaho
BEST: Septic Death
Septic Death is the best metal band from Idaho based on their rad name alone. Not only that, they were also early pioneers of crusty grindcore. The band featured artist Brian “Pushead” Schroeder as well, who would later become world-renowned for designing iconic images for Metallica, Misfits, and other bands whose names aren’t nearly as badass as Septic Death.
WORST: Everything Nikki Sixx Has Ever Done
Nikki Sixx spent time in Idaho as a kid, and for that the state should be ashamed of itself. That’s why we’re naming Mötley Crüe, Sixx:A.M., and Brides of Destruction as the worst metal bands from Idaho. Now will the state of Idaho please make its way to the corner so it can think about what it’s done.
Illinois
BEST: Ministry
Ministry’s first record, “With Sympathy,” is a spectacular synth-pop offering that was released to a lukewarm response. As a direct result, singer Al Jourgensen did a 180 and turned Ministry into one the world’s premier industrial metal band. “Jesus Built My Hotrod” and “N.W.O” even made it onto the Billboard Hot 100, which isn’t bad considering Jourgensen has a bunch of face tattoos and kinda looks like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth.
WORST: Enuff Z’nuff
Enuff Z’nuff deserves some credit for kicking off the “spelling your band name like a complete moron” trend that took over the music scene in the 1990s and 2000s. They also deserve credit for competently following the glam metal template, and were rewarded for their hard work with not one, but two singles that cracked Billboard’s Hot 100. In a way that kind of cheapens Ministry’s chart toppers, but it’s best not to think about it like that.
Indiana
BEST: Gorgasm
Gorgasm is one seriously rad death metal band that almost nobody knows about. And with song titles like “Destined to Violate,” “Starved for Perversion,” and “Stabwound Intercourse,” we’re sure they’ll start to expand their female fanbase in no time.
WORST: Iced Earth
How awful is Indiana’s Iced Earth? They’re so bad that when the FBI asked for information regarding the January 6th insurrection, the band’s own fans immediately identified singer Jon Schaffer as a rioter. In droves. Imagine being such a shithead that even your own fans still rat on you to the cops. What a loser.
Iowa
BEST: Slipknot
The only thing most Americans know about Iowa is that it’s flat and that Slipknot is from there. Slipknot is the undeniable benchmark for nu-metal. Metal purists might hate it, but Slipknot easily stands toe-to-toe with Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, and Metallica as one of the most influential metal bands of all time, even though the majority of their fans are currently wearing baggy vinyl bondage pants.
WORST: Stone Sour
Stone Sour is Slipknot singer Corey Taylor’s more radio friendly “metal” band, if we can even call it that. We don’t know why Slipknot’s success made Taylor think fans wanted to hear his middle-of-the-road radio rock featuring pianos and acoustic guitars, but here we are. Woof.
Kansas
BEST: Origin
Origin is one of those death metal bands that are so technical that it can be tricky to track what’s actually going on. With various instruments simultaneously playing in different time signatures, brain-melting blast beats, and a vocal assault that just doesn’t stop, Origin is easily the best metal band from Kansas.
WORST: Manilla Road
Manilla Road is actually a pretty decent power metal group, but loses points because the singer sounds like Jack Black pinching his nose during his vocal warmups.
Kentucky
BEST: Tombstalker
Tombstalker is one of Kentucky’s best-kept secrets, along with where George Clooney’s parents live and who’s going to win next year’s Kentucky Derby. Their old-school blackened death metal attack is a refreshing throwback to when metal bands didn’t have too much synth, just four weird-looking dudes in leather jackets playing as fast as they humanly could.
WORST: Hydrogyn
Hydrogyn’s catalog is filled to the brim with boot-scootin’ singles that should be tearing up the country charts with their catchy hooks and bluesy riffs. However there was a mixup along the way and instead of being billed as country records as intended, they were released as a series of radio-friendly metal albums. While songs like “Blind” and “Book of Names” are catchy to be sure, they’re not nearly as good as the original country versions were, and we have no choice but to hold that against them.
Louisiana
BEST: Exhorder
Exhorder was either ahead of their time, or a bunch of bands ripped them off after the fact and made it seem like they were ahead of their time, depending on how you look at it. To the uninitiated, Exhorder’sThe Law record could easily pass as Pantera, particularly in the vocal department. While we absolutely mean that as a compliment, saying something easily passes as Pantera could also be misconstrued as an insult, depending on how you look at it.
WORST: Down
Down is to Pantera as Stone Sour is to Slipknot.
Maine
BEST: Toxic Holocaust
Toxic Holocaust’s Joel Grind would wear his love of Portland, Maine on his sleeve, except he cut off all of his sleeves years ago. His stage name even comes from skateboarding at his hometown Burnside skatepark, one of Portland, Maine’s most iconic landmarks. Toxic Holocaust’s busy tour schedule has taken Grind all around the world and back again, but he hasn’t forgotten where he comes from, as he recently said “You can take Toxic Holocaust out of Portland, Maine, but you can’t take Portland, Maine out of Toxic Holocaust.”
WORST: 6gig
6gig plays nu-metal but with the kind of alternative rock vocal style that was popular in the late ’90s and early 2000s. They’re also just the kind of band that people completely forget about when they talk about how much better music used to be in the late ’90s and early 2000s.
Maryland
BEST: Dying Fetus
Remember in high school when you first heard Dying Fetus and your head exploded because it couldn’t handle how hard they were? Well now it’s 2023 and nothing has changed. Hailing from Upper Marlboro Red, Maryland, Dying Fetus is nothing short of death metal gods. With squealing growls, impossibly huge riffs, and crushing grooves nestled between skull rattling blast beats, they’ve been directly responsible for the sore necks of millions of metalheads for more than thirty years.
WORST: Kix
Sometimes movies need a big glam metal ballad but don’t have the budget to clear songs people actually know. That’s where bands like Kix come in, like a dime-store Mötley Crüe or Warrant. But don’t take our word for it. Kix’s “Cold Chills” was affordable enough to feature in 1992’s Wayne’s World, however it was still far too embarrassing to make it onto the movie’s actual soundtrack.