South Dakota
BEST: Angerot
We’re positive this band features more cops than Five Finger Death Punch, so we’re just going to play it cool, keep our hands where you can see them, and say that Angerot is the best metal band from South Dakota.
WORST: Earth Groans
Listen, we would have totally named Earth Groans the best metal band from South Dakota, because they are, but Angerot is still watching us and we don’t want to go to jail today. Sorry guys.
Tennessee
BEST: Howling Giant
Howling Giant easily tops the best metal band from Tennessee on account of their excellent “Masamune” alone. Coming in at just under 20 minutes, “Masamune” is really four songs in one and is absolutely worth your time. You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that the stoner metal band’s opus is themed around ancient Japanese sword making, but considering it’s a rare stoner metal song that isn’t about weed, we shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth too much, and instead be happy for what we have.
WORST: Clockhammer
Somebody once described Clockhammer as a cross between Frank Sabbath and Black Sinatra, which is one of the stupidest fucking things we’ve ever heard. Clockhammer is NOTHING like Frank Sabbath or Black Sinatra.
Texas
BEST: Power Trip
Power Trip is a tour-de-force of crossover thrash, hardcore, and punk influences. With two studio albums, a few EPs, and a live album that features the Grammy Award winning “Executioner’s Tax,” the band’s legacy can not be questioned by anybody. There are literally no weak Power Trip songs. Vocalist Riley Gale, aka The Buddy Holly of Metal, tragically passed away in 2020. Later that year a transitional living center for at-risk LGTBQ youth dedicated the Riley Gale Memorial Library in his honor. Aside from guitarist Blake Ibanez’s excellent super group Fugitive, the future of Power Trip remains unclear.
WORST: Pantera
The fact that Pantera released a handful of shockingly fantastic glam metal records and then became whatever it is they became is totally lame and unforgivable. But seriously, go listen to Power Metal, it rules.
Utah
BEST: Chelsea Grin
Despite being from Utah, Chelsea Grin is hard as fuck. Their slant of deathcore features vocals that sound like the singer’s throat just got slit, skull crushing breakdowns, and huge double bass assaults. They also don’t feature a single member from their original lineup. Some people might get mad at that, but honestly we couldn’t give a shit.
WORST: blessthefall
blessthefall looks like they met auditioning for a TV show on the CW, but since none of them got cast they decided to start a shitty metalcore band instead.
Vermont
BEST: Prowl
Even though Bernie Sanders comes from Vermont, these rich white people are just too content to be pissed off about anything. That’s why Vermont’s best metal band is Prowl, from nearby Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Their criminally underrated The Forgotten Realms features a crossover of thrash metal riffing and hardcore attitude that easily mops the floor with any weak shit that Vermont has to offer.
WORST: Phish
It might not surprise you to learn that the poster child of mediocre white people music hails from Vermont. Of course we’re talking about Phish, who recently celebrated 40 years as America’s favorite punchline. We know it’s a bit of a stretch to call them metal, but what is metal but unnecessarily long-winded noodling that goes on for entirely too long?
Virginia
BEST: Municipal Waste
Remember in high school how you were friends with that guy that never did his homework, always got in trouble, and turned out just fine despite dropping out in 10th grade? Municipal Waste is essentially what happens when five of those guys buy headbands and start a thrash metal band centered around drinking and horror movie puns.
Worst: Alabama Thunderpussy
Alabama Thunderpussy is one of those metal bands that’s so forgettable that you can listen to them every day for a month straight and still not remember a single thing about them. Featuring a rhythm section as heavy as the background of a Ford Truck commercial, just forget about Alabama Thunderpussy altogether and go listen to Municipal Waste’s “Dingy Situations” instead.
Washington
BEST: The Melvins
We’re pretty sure that The Melvins are the best metal band from Washington, but we only made it through roughly half of the band’s catalog before we collapsed from exhaustion. With more than 100 full-length LPS and thousands of EPs, live albums, and compilation appearances, including eight full albums released this year alone,The Melvins have the kind of output that would make Tupac Shakur blush.
WORST: Gruntruck
Whenever you come across bands with dumb names like Hoobastank, Chumbawumba, or Pearl Jam, it’s best to just forget they existed and move along with your day; and Gruntruck is no exception.
Washington D.C.
BEST: Darkest Hour
Darkest Hour brings the melodic death metal sounds of Gothenburg, Sweden to the neoclassical streets and boulevards of Washington, D.C. Not only that, for nearly 30 years they’ve been confused with other bands including Bleeding Through, Atretu, and As I Lay Dying.
WORST: Godhead
You know how you never listen to Godhead because you just assume they’d be some terrible mix of goofy metal, industrial, and rap? Well keep trusting your intuition, because you’re spot on here.
West Virginia
BEST: Zao
Zao is by far the best metal band from West by-God Virginia. Originally founded in 1993 as a Christian hardcore band, Zao has gone through so many line-up changes that nobody actually remembers who was in the band to begin with. These days Zao no longer claims to be a Christian band either, but rather a band that everyone just assumes is still Christian.
WORST: Wrathchild America
Wrathchild America featured elements of glam rock, thrash, and speed metal. These influences, combined with lyrics that often rhymed, helped the band release two full length albums that audiences may or may not have known were for sale.
Wisconsin
BEST: 7 Angels 7 Plagues
Believe it or not, the hardest band on this list just might be from Wisconsin! Of course we’re talking about the pride of Racine, 7 Angels 7 Plagues. They brought a highly influential mix of hardcore, melodic guitars, and crushing breakdowns that still make us want to round up a few dozen of our buddies and go scream into a single microphone. 7 Angels 7 Plagues is your favorite hardcore band’s favorite hardcore band.
WORST: Lords of the Trident
This power metal band is called Lords of the Trident, uses a harpsichord, and once featured a guitar player known as the “Socrates of Shred.” Easy there, Malmsteen.
Wyoming
BEST: Ashes of Denial
There was a time in the early 2000s when every band on the radio sounded like a third-rate
combination of Alice in Chains, Creed, and Godsmack. While the rest of the world moved on, Laramie’s own Ashes of Denial remains firmly and sadly committed to the bit.
WORST: Day X Day
Think of the most cringe-inducing rap-metal you can, and then make them 100x worse than you imagined. That’s what happens when you get Day x Day, who have managed to alienate both metal and rap audiences with their brand of eye-rolling music that we can’t even bring ourselves to dignify by calling it nu-metal.